Equal marriage: why we need equal civil partnerships too

A guest post by Edward Lord which originally appeared on his blog here.
Tim Loughton MP, the sponsor of yesterday evening’s amendment to the Marriage (Same Sex Couples) Bill which would have introduced Civil Partnerships for opposite sex couples, does not have a record of supporting LGBT equality. Indeed, his motives in putting forward the amendment may not have been entirely straightforward, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that I liked what it was trying to achieve.

It seems a nonsense to me that, should the Bill pass into law, same sex couples will be able to enter into a legally recognised union by either marriage or civil partnership and yet mixed sex couples can only marry. Where’s the equality in that?

I am a great supporter of the Government’s objective of allowing everyone to be able to marry and want this legislation to succeed, but not if it leaves an inequality whereby mixed sex couples have less choices available to them than same sex couples.

And despite denials by proponents of the Bill in its current form, this is a real issue. As Mr Loughton said in the debate yesterday, there are 3 million unmarried cohabiting couples in the UK, living without the protection of a legal union. It is my contention that many of them (though by no means all) find the concept of marriage difficult, but may consider entering into a civil partnership were that option available to them. Indeed in the Government’s consultation on Equal Marriage, 61% of respondents thought that civil partnerships should be made available for opposite sex couples.

In the debates that raged on Facebook and Twitter yesterday evening, some people asked why equal civil partnerships were necessary. Speaking from my own perspective, I, like many friends, find a certain discomfort in the historic and religious concept of marriage, for example a woman being property transferred from father to husband or worse still a holy sacrament ordained from on high. As such it was not something that I would have entertained for myself even had it been an available option, clearly depending on the gender of any partner.

I do however find the idea of civil partnership, formally recognising a relationship, to have some attraction as I know do others in a similar position.

There are significant advantages to a civil partnership over a wedding, including far greater flexibility in the nature of the ceremony which, at its most basic, can be just signing the register with no vows, promises or oaths at all. Alternatively, you can write your own ceremony in a way that suits you, rather than following the requirements of the State or of a particular religion.

If we are to create genuine equality in domestic unions, then I believe that there should be a choice, open to all, between marriage and civil partnerships, recognising that the two are different, at least in emphasis and tone. I only hope that the urgent review of civil partnerships promised last night by the Government as part of its deal to stop Labour supporting the Loughton amendment, will produce a sound and sensible and equal outcome.

Some further thoughts:

“Wrecking amendment”: Opponents of the Loughton amendment, said that it was an attempt to ‘wreck’ the Bill and that it would create a vast delay in introducing equal marriage and would attract a £4 billion price tag. I believe, though cannot prove, that these scaremongering pronouncements were entirely made up to act as a deterrent to passing the amendment. As Caroline Lucas said in the debate:

“Ministers need to explain exactly why opening up civil partnerships would delay the implementation of gay marriage and why, for example, it is not possible to work on the basis set out in 2004, when some of the essential consequentials were put in place for civil partnerships. Of course, the issues for same-sex couples are different from those for opposite-sex couples, but I struggle to see how it could take two years or more, if the political will was there to sort it out.”

She was right, of course. Most of the preparation work has been done and I am sure that equal civil partnerships could be introduced alongside equal marriage within twelve months.

“Gay Marriage/Straight Civil Partnerships”: The language used in some of these debates has been hugely frustrating for those of us who are neither gay nor straight. It would be good if those speaking in the House of Commons or commenting in the media would recognise that not every mixed sex couple is heterosexual nor is every same sex couple lesbian or gay.

The role of Stonewall and Summerskill: I have been somewhat sickened by the constant hurrahs from Ben Summerskill claiming that equal marriage was somehow a victory for Stonewall. Let us not forget that when the Liberal Democrat, Labour and Conservative LGBT organisations promoted the idea of equal marriage at the 2010 party conferences, they were roundly told to ‘shut-up’ by Summerskill who believed that we should be content with civil partnerships. He and his organisation arrived very late to this party and – whilst their lobbying on the subject (led by the excellent Ruth Hunt, not by Summerskill) has been first class – this cannot be claimed as a victory for Stonewall alone, far from it. What is worse is that, as ever, Summerskill forgets the bisexual stakeholders in his LGB charity and was implacably opposed to equalisation of civil partnerships. Yet again, Ben has got it wrong.

By the Bi

A guest blog post by Louise from Squeamish Bikini. This originally appeared here.

The basic structure looks like this: the first day is an academic conference – Birecon. Registering for this part is optional, but free if you go to Bicon. Then comes the opening of Bicon, with a large plenary. Each day sees several workshops, and social events. While I was there I went to session on learning to flirt with women; talking about privilege; a long bike ride along a local canal, and a trip out to get curry – and that’s a tiny portion of what’s on offer. All bookended by evenings of socialising. There are also large sessions where decisions on how Bicon should be run take place – everyone there can shape the future of the event and community.

The event takes place in a different part of the UK each year, and always involves a weekend at a venue that offers space for socialising, a range of workshops, large plenaries, as well as on-site accommodation – usually a university campus. There will be various social events, about 20-30 workshops a day, and full-time first aid and listening services available.

And (I’d like to stress this point) the whole thing is run by volunteers. Different teams take on the organisation of each year’s event, and there is also an organisation that makes sure there is continuity in things like accounting and management. On top of this, every session and workshop is run by a volunteer. Many organised in advance, some arranged during the weekend when people think of something they’d like to do – for example, as this year’s Bicon was in Bradford, someone organised the “Bicurryious” outing to sample local curries.

If it weren’t for the fact that by the end of the weekend there are several volunteers needing a bit of tlc and drink buying, it would be very easy to believe there was a paid professional set up behind it. Rather than an unpaid professional set-up.

Bicon has evolved over the years. Last weekend marked its 30th anniversary, and there has been a lot of evolution over that time. There’s a great article that gives a sense of some of the changes that have happened over three decades.

I went to part of Bicon 2004 before attending all of this year’s event, so I’m certainly no authority. But it’s interesting to hear about things such as the evolution of the code of conduct. It sounds like it could be a scary or draconian idea, but actually it has evolved, voted on by attendees and members. It’s common sense in many ways, and seeks to make sure people are looked after – that no one will post a photo of you at Bicon on the internet without your permission, that any kind of harassment will be taken seriously.

Bicon may not be the perfect event, but it feels like a space where concerns are taken seriously and listened to. There are large crossovers in the bi community with poly – people who don’t follow traditional monogamous models of relationships, and with the trans community. There’s work to be done in making sure that there are safe spaces for people of colour, and that everything is accessible.

Now, I’m a white, cis-gendered, middle class woman without any experience of disability, and I don’t want to claim to speak for everyone because that would just be ridiculous. But as far as I can see, Bicon is a space where inclusion is taken seriously, where privilege is challenged, and you can’t get away with making bigoted remarks. I’d love to hear from others about their experiences and feelings of Bicon.

Which brings me neatly on to the question of ‘why?’

Despite being actively involved in the LGBT movement from a relatively early age, I didn’t spend much time, if any, in exclusively bi spaces.

Despite the fact that I’ve written about biphobia for both lesbian and hetero magazines, I didn’t think to look for a bi-specific space. And then I spent a weekend at Bicon and it changed my mind.

There is always going to be a bi community, if we take the idea of a groups of people sharing characteristics as a community. And there are things that are specific to that community – much higher incidences of mental health problems for one, along with health practitioners who are still thrown by the idea of someone having lovers of more than one gender. What Bicon, and the other events that flow out from it into the long year between cons, do is to claim that community and build it in a positive way.

One of the organisers gave a short speech to this effect at the closing plenary that made me choke up slightly. There isn’t much of a bi community out there – most of the time. And then you go to Bicon, and there is.

It was an amazing bubble to enter and I have found coming back to earth a bit difficult. But it’s given me an appreciation for what volunteers and community organisers can do, and a passion to get back into activism.

I loved it. I’m coming back. Join me next year in Edinburgh http://www.bicon2013.org.uk/ !

Guest Post: “We Need To Stop Ignoring Biphobia”

This originally appeared on dancadamorte’s blog The Reliquary, here.

We Need To Stop Ignoring Biphobia

I’ve been considering writing a blog about biphobia for a long time, but with starting my internship I had yet to get round to it. Last night, sitting in Wetherspoons, I decided I was finally going to do it. Mainly due to the fact that some of the people I worked with asked me if I was bisexual and I didn’t even want to tell them the truth. My sexuality isn’t something I like to talk about much and something I don’t often admit to anyone I don’t fully trust or know. Why is it that I find it so hard to talk about it outside my main close knit friendship group? Mainly because I am scared of how people will react. I think a lot of gay people out there think that bisexual people have it easy. We can just go around acting like “straight people” a lot of the time, and avoiding the homophobia than openly gay people have to put up with. In fact this couldn’t be further from the truth.Of course the guys and girls I work with are lovely and had no problem with it at all, so why should I let the actions of a few people in the past affect how I feel about myself? The truth is a lot of bisexual people feel the same.

“Greedy”, “confused”, and “desperate” are some of the words I have heard used to describe bisexual people. Along with “following a trend” and “trying to be cool.” The truth is more and more people have been coming out as bisexual in recent years and this is often “blamed” on the existence of scene kids and hipsters. They think it’s cool to be bisexual right? Or maybe it’s that there have always been high levels of individuals attracted to members of both genders and it is the accepting liberal sub-cultures that allow them to feel comfortable enough to admit to it. The sad thing about biphobia is that it comes not just from straight people, but also from within the LGBT community itself. Hell, I’ve even heard bisexual people make horrible comments about how there are so many “fake” bisexuals out there…

The first instances of biphobia I encountered were in year 11 when I was around 15. People used to ask certain friends of mine why they were friends with me because “she might fancy you!”. I don’t even need to explain why this is such a stupid, ignorant, bigoted thing to say. Straight people don’t fancy every single member of the opposite sex, so why would I fancy every women I meet? A girl in my geography class asked my best friend if I fancied her. The girl was as ugly on the inside and she was on the outside, so no, I certainly did not fancy her. This is the type of crap bi and homosexual people have to put up with. I’ve even heard friends of mine insist that gay men go around trying to turn straight men gay. No they don’t. In fact I know certain straight men who have seduced gay ones, not the other way round…

It isn’t just straight people who are biphobic though. In fact I have heard with my own ears gay people refer to bisexuals as “greedy”. I’m sure it was meant as a joke, but when people out there genuinely believe that, it’s really not funny. Of course I will stress that it is only the minority of gay people (and straight people) who are biphobic. But it is still a significant amount considering the fact that there is a B in LGBT. There are some lesbians out there who will not date a bisexual women, believing that they are indecisive, less loyal, or going to “turn straight” five minutes later. Last time I went onto the g3 website (a while ago) there was a poll asking whether readers would date a bi girl or not. Why should sexuality even be an issue? My ex girlfriend was absolutely paranoid I would leave her for a man. I adored her, and would never have considered it. There are probably more men out there I’m attracted to than women, but that’s because I get on better with men in general. If I’m going out with someone I am 100% committed to them and wouldn’t even look at anyone else. Promiscuity is another trait constantly linked with bisexual people. Some may be, and if that is how they want to be then fair enough. It is certainly not the case for all of them, no more so than it is with heterosexuals and homosexuals. A few days ago somebody messaged me over the internet saying “Hey I really appreciate the confidence and self awareness required to realise you need both men and women in your life. That’s really cool. When did you know for sure that you were bisexual?”. I found this rediculously patronising. Firstly bisexuals do not “need both men and women in their life”.  Most of us date one person at a time thanks very much, and often don’t “need” anyone. Secondly it doesn’t take “confidence and self awareness” it’s just something you know about yourself. Does it  take confidence and self–awareness to admit you’re straight? I don’t think so.

The way past boyfriends have reacted to my bisexuality has also not always been positive and free from ignorance. One guy who liked me told me that if I wanted to sleep with women whilst I was with him that was okay. Of course my reaction was to turn around and ask him if it was okay for me to sleep with men too, predictably he said “no”. Apparently it’s okay for me to cheat on him so long as it’s with a women. Again the ridiculous assumption that bisexual people “need both men and women”, are polyamorous, and promiscuous rears it’s head. May I stress that I have no problem at all with people who are any of these things, but to make it a stereotype of bisexual people is absolutely ignorant. Needless to say I never did end up going out with that guy, thank god. Another of my exs asked me if I was into threesomes. Here we go again…

Possibly the most insulting thing I have ever heard about bisexuals was a comment one of the girls I worked with in the Student’s Union made. Apparently there were a lot of bisexual girls in  her school and the reason for this was that “they were too ugly to get guys so went for girls instead.” Unfortunately my dislike for confrontation meant I said absolutely nothing. I still kick myself for that. For the most part she was a really lovely girl, who had no idea about my sexuality and probably would have been mortified if she had ever found out how much it had upset me. However it still remains probably the worst thing I have ever heard that has offended me personally. (I was never bullied at school so people haven’t hurt my feelings often, but that hit me to the core.) The fact that everyone else there just laughed  despite knowing full well about me just made the whole situation worse. I don’t consider myself an attractive girl at all, but I’ve never had too much problem getting male attention. I don’t like women out of desperation. I like them because I see beauty in them the same way as I see beauty in men.

The worse thing is, people don’t even seem to see anything wrong with comments like the ones I mentioned above. There is so much emphasis on gay pride, and rightly so, but often bisexual people get missed out. You know what, we aren’t desperate, or confused, or indecisive. We aren’t all promiscuous. Some of us haven’t even slept with someone of the same sex.  Many of us are real human beings who are secure in our sexuality. To anybody out there who thinks bisexuality isn’t real (another ridiculous biphobic comment that often crops up): I know for a fact it does, because I know exactly how I feel and who I am attracted to. You can’t say a feeling doesn’t exist just because you have never felt it. I am not going to be ashamed of admitting my sexuality anymore, just because of the reactions of a minority. It’s time to make that minority even smaller. We are all human, and accepting bisexual people is part of accepting LGBT people in general. We need to stop ignoring biphobia.