A few personal thoughts originally posted on my private blog, thought you’d like to read:
Am I really bi?
It’s a question bi people ask themselves more than once. I personally felt I had come to being bi from an almost purely intellectual standpoint. My education had provided me with key ideas, for example that our society has a powerful influence on our beliefs. Also that we don’t know why people are gay, it could be genes, but on top of that the world around us can do much to influence expression of genetics. The idea that we live in a patriarchy, that human beings exist in a highly complex social world, that everything we know to be real might all just be in our minds.
Anyway, one day I read a book that said ‘women are socialised to allow men sexual access to their bodies, but not women’. Though the author was advocating intimacy between heterosexual women, I couldn’t help thinking “I do only allow men sexual access to me, why not women?” From which thought I realised I didn’t look at women as sexual beings. Why not? Because I’ve been socialised that way? So I thought I’d give it a go. I started to look at women specifically when I was out and about on the street. I asked, are women attractive? Would I enjoy sexual contact with them?
The answer seemed to be, well, yeah, why not? Obviously not all women, but I can appreciate that women are beautiful and clever and amazing, just like men. It would be somewhat different to having sex with a man, but hey, surely it could be fun?
I came out as bi not long after, and that was two years ago. I felt pretty shaky coming out even though I’d not *technically* had sexual contact with a girl. At the time it I felt like perhaps I was being similar to a political lesbian: my intellect, rather than instinct, being in control of the choice. I don’t think I’d've noticed women in any other way, I felt there was not a ‘natural’ upsurge in me that just *made* me look at the occasional women and feel stirrings for her. Nonetheless, if I looked at women, whatever made me do it, and came to the ‘why not?’ conclusion then I was determined I was allowed to call myself bi.
Two years on, am I still an intellectual bi?
Of course these days I know I didn’t need to sleep with a girl to say I’m bi, because there are bis that are bi because of the relationship side of being with a person (not necessarily sex) and they don’t restrict themselves by gender, also that there are not just “men” and “women” but “intersex” and “trans” and a host of other genders and actually if you had to sleep with one of each gender it would take ages to be able to say you were bi!
Having said that, I have slept with three cis women and from that standpoint I’ve got some more practical experience alongside the intellectual theory.
I still feel that arriving at bi came from an intellectual place, but the other day I was thinking and talking about gender and relationships. As a bisexual feminist, I find it harder and harder to find any differences between people in terms of gender. For a while I started using attributes rather than genders (ie not: men do this, women do that) to describe things often saying: ‘masculinities’ and ‘femininities’. But the more I said this and observed my friends, the more these things also seemed absurd. Myself and my male friend were having a chat and we agreed that he has more femininities than I have and I probably have more masculinities. Where does that leave us when we observe that I am female and he is male?
Perhaps I hang out with lots of people whose personalities do not conform to their gender stereotype. I think it’s that I try to be friends with people who have a strong sense of self and are happy to express themselves in any way they see fit.
Even our genitals are the same! In terms of erogenous zones, men and women have all the same things except for one small detail: having an “inny” or an “outty”.
When I am close friends with someone I get to the stage where I want to express my affection in a physical manner, including sexual contact, and I now find it slightly strange when people demur because I am the wrong gender for them. And it’s the fact that I now find such a thing absurd that I’m wondering if this is the ‘natural’ feeling that people get when they say, “of course I’m gay/straight, I just know it.”
After two years of thinking of myself as bi, and making an effort to observe all people (not just men) in terms of their attractiveness to me, regardless of gender, it seems my ‘natural’ reactions have caught up with my intellectual thoughts. I ‘naturally’, in an instant, feel-it-in-my-gut kind of way, find people attractive based on themselves, not on their gender and I find it pretty strange when other people don’t.
I feel as if I might have ‘trained’ myself this way, but I think all pubescent children have to train themselves to give a direction to their sexual energies. I feel like I’m just completing the process.
If it was a purely intellectual exercise, though, could everyone do it? I don’t know. I’ve known some pretty intellectually honest people experiment with relationships/sexual contact with a non-preferred gender and, while happy with the experience, simply do not want to try it again. They’re sure.
So perhaps that’s where the ‘instinctual’ bi is in me: yes I trained myself, a rather intellectual process, but I enjoyed it enough to do it again. And again and again and again.
Tagged:
bi,
gender,
sexuality 
Jen 9:09 pm on April 10, 2012 Permalink |
Stonewall’ve been told about this one. Indeed, they’ve been told quite some time ago… so we can be fairly sure that this isn’t an accidental bit of bi-erasure…