It’s Bi Visibility Day again. It’s felt very strange not to have been organising and event or something. But i enjoyed going to an event organised by someone else – particularly when it involved eating delicious ice cream.
I’ve been busy with stuff and things lately and haven’t had time to write anything profound for this year’s BVD so instead I’m going to repost here something originally wrote elsewhere on the web a few years ago – it’s an extended write-up of what I said when I was part of a panel discussion on Bisexuality at the Transforming LGBT Lives conference in 2010.
I’m Ludy – I’m Bisexual, Polyamorous, on the Autistic Spectrum and a knitter (and a bunch of other stuff too!)
I used to be a lesbian – I liked being a lesbian and miss being able to easily claim that identity sometimes. But I’m also very happy being bisexual and to have eventually found the Bi community. And sometimes I even enjoy my occasional forays into bisexual activism…
When I was in my teens I thought I must be a lesbian because I was attracted to women. I tried really hard not to be because the religious tradition I grew up in told me it was a sin (or at least that acting on my attraction would be a sin and I didn’t really relish the idea of a life of eternal celibacy and never having a loving-partner or a family). But it didn’t go away so I eventually came to terms with being a lesbian. I did also have some attraction to men but it was never as strong or as lasting as the feelings I had for women so I kind of pushed it aside or assumed that it was just coming from my desire to be a bit more normal and acceptable.
I gradually (so very gradually) found my way to the Lesbian and Gay world and a particular flavour of being a lesbian that was quite “crunchy oatmeal” and feminist. The kind of lesbians who wore stripy jumpers and dungarees and talked about Peace and politics and Goddesses and Saving the World and building community. I felt so much more accepted and part of things than I ever had in the mainstream straight world. And I loved it. Well I mostly loved it – because it was still all about being around people (mostly neuro-typical people) and people are always complicated.
At Uni I was lucky enough to have some friends who were Bi. And I could see the sometimes strained relationship that they had with the Lesbian and Gay scene of the time. I can also remember people’s shock at a party when we were talking about the Kinsey scale and I said I was a 5 and not the “perfect” 6 they’d imagined. I briefly had a Bi girlfriend and started gently pushing for bi inclusion before I really thought it particularly applied to me – because I wanted her to be part of things as much as because it seemed the right thing to do.
And then I fell for a boy. I was quite surprised by that. But it happened and I didn’t want to cut myself off from my whole life as a lesbian just because I was with him now. I got to revisit the mainstream Straight world a bit, through him, and still found it quite strange. I didn’t want to only be acceptable there when I was talking about being with the boy any more than I only wanted to be acceptable in the Lesbian and Gay world when I wasn’t. A friend told me about BiCon in 1994 but I stupidly didn’t go because I wasn’t sure if I was “really” bi – it was only the one man I was attracted to after all!
I’m still with the “boy” almost 17 years later [nearly 21 years now!]. I took a long time to work out how I should identify myself – was I “a lesbian-with-a-boyfriend” or a “real” bisexual? I quite often call myself a bi-dyke – I feel like it contains both being proud of my bi-ness and of having been part of and wanting to remain part of the Lesbian community.
And I’ve gradually become part of the Bi community. After that first false start, I eventually got to BiCon in 2003 and it’s become one of the high-points of my year. I took my knitting along and offered to facilitate a Stitch and Bitch at the next year’s BiCon and that’s kind of become a bit of a tradition – I can usually be found at Bi events surrounded by yarn and glitter. Then a friend I met at my first BiCon decided to run a Brighton BiFest in 2007 – so I said I’d help. I ended up being involved in organising all of the Brighton BiFests that have happened so far and the local BothWays group
The Lesbian community, of course, had changed over those 16 and a bit years. It had gotten a bit more mainstream and clubby and commercialised – it’s great that it can be like that now but it’s not as me-shaped. Loud music and flashing lights still aren’t a good fit for a Spectrum person with Sensory Integration problems. Bi events often have loud shiny ents too (though it’s usually rather more DIY) but it’s a community where it’s OK to say you don’t feel comfortable with that – and there’s usually an alternative quiet space as well. I’ve experienced the Bi community as being really welcoming to/accepting of Neuro-Diverse people and it seems like there’s always quite a big proportion of us at Bi events which has been really lovely for me.
It’s also a community that’s very accepting of Polyamory. In fact sometimes it’s not so welcoming for monogamous people and that’s a problem – I don’t want to be part of a community that’s anti-monogamous. But as I am poly it’s been good to be somewhere where that’s unexceptional and reasonably well understood. I’ve not really found that elsewhere.
Another thing I like about the Bisexual Community is how welcoming it’s been to my Straight partner. It’s kind of taken over his life too! I think it’s important that our community is accepting of/welcoming to allies – particularly when so many of us in the community have experienced being unwelcome in other spaces. But I know that it’s not always felt so welcoming to some straight or gay or lesbian partners and “significants” of Bi People.
The Bi Community is not perfect; and everyone has a different experience of it. I hope that we can keep talking about the different experiences and how we can improve things. But generally I’m very, very glad that I found it and become part of it.
Now I am very proud of being Bi. And I’m still a Bi-Dyke too 🙂
