The short answer is that it means whatever you want it to mean, but before we get into the longer answer, a quick reminder of the simplest definition of what bisexuality actually is: Bisexuality is being attracted to more than one gender. This is the definition used by bisexualindex.org.uk. It doesn’t mean anything more than that. It doesn’t mean you or your spouse are going to act on those attractions. And it certainly doesn’t mean that you have to act on those attractions.
The longer answer is that having one or more identifying bisexuals in your marriage is a learning curve and greater communication between you both is vital. My husband told me he was bisexual and assumed that would be it, and things would carry on as normal. He also pointed out that I wasn’t straight either. And while things are settling down now, it is a new normal, achieved after lots of honest and open talking. You know something extra about your spouse that they have shared with you, an important aspect of their personality.
One of the reasons we started this blog is to counter some of the myths about bisexuality that seem rampant on the net. I made the mistake of googling bisexuality to try and learn more. There were many sites out there trying to be helpful, but in the end I just dissolved into tears reading about what I could expect in my life now.
Apparently, as bisexuals, we’d never be satisfied with our one partner, and taking another lover on the side would be inevitable, as bisexuals could only ever be happy with a partner of each gender to play with. That is such rubbish. If your partner tells you they need to explore then that is cheating and it certainly isn’t in the marriage contract. Having multiple partners is not inevitable and it certainly isn’t the result of being bisexual. It is taking advantage of your monogamous partner. If your partner spins you this line, seriously consider where your relationship is going as it’s possible they’ve already been cheating, or are about to. Think about it, you might like white men. You might also like Afro-Caribbean men, Japanese men, and Maori men. You are not going to have relations with one of each example of your attraction. It isn’t about collecting a set. A marriage is about working at and sustaining a great relationship with one partner and only one.
Another page, that was thrown up near the top of my google search, started off helpful, suggesting compassion and honesty towards your husband, but then went on to suggest that I might like to try sticking things up my husband’s bottom, as he was sure to like it being as he’s bisexual. I kid you not. By this point I was very unhappy, but on checking with my husband I was relieved to hear that he didn’t want things stuck up him. He was trying not to actually laugh that I’d believe such rubbish. Sadly, when shit like this is thrown up by a quick basic Google search, no one is helped. I wonder how many others have read this and not been able to talk to their partners about it and therefore believed it.
The net also told me that all bisexuals were cheaters. No, cheaters are cheaters, and they come in all varieties. If your partner has never cheated before, then it’s our belief that they are unlikely to now. Even more so if they are being open and honest about their sexuality. That means you have a relationship with good communication and trust. And people in good relationships are less likely to do anything to hurt their partners. I see my husband as my best friend, my lover, my life partner, my soul mate, my biggest supporter. I cannot imagine ever doing anything to hurt him or our relationship and he feels the same about me. I am bisexual and I am not a cheater and I hope I never will be. He is a bisexual and is not a cheater. I will do everything I can to never become one and so will he. The key here is communication. Make sure you discuss what your limits and boundaries are. This is the key for any committed monogamous relationship of any persuasion. We have discussed how to avoid becoming inappropriately close to others, how to avoid situations where temptations might be present, how wearing your wedding ring daily helps clarify your status. These are good things to discuss whatever your orientation. Basically cheating is a choice. Loving someone and staying faithful is also a choice. It’s up to you to uphold your wedding vows and make cheating a choice that neither you nor your spouse ever want to make. I’ll make it very clear again: being bisexual has nothing to do with cheating or having multiple partners.
The next stupid idea the Google search throws at me is that people have to physically experiment to confirm their bisexual feelings are real. Men saying they had told their wives that they needed to go and explore with other men to be sure. Women saying they need to be intimate with other women. Okay, let’s think about this. Think back to when you were a virgin. You knew what turned you on, right? You knew what genders you wanted to sleep with? Sleeping with people didn’t confirm those feelings, you already knew them to be true. A bisexual is a bisexual whether or not they have ever had physical contact with more than one gender. Indeed, many bisexuals will never have physical relations with the opposite gender. It doesn’t make them straight. It doesn’t make them less of a bisexual. Being bisexual is nothing to do with who you have slept with. And a married person does not need to have physical relations with the opposite gender just to confirm they are bisexual. They already know it.
The biggest change is realising that you are no longer in a straight marriage. The adjustment may be harder if only one of you is identifying as non-straight. Having a bisexual husband does not make you less of a woman and it does not make you less attractive. He is with you because he wanted to be with you and you wanted to be with him. Which leads me to the next piece of nonsense the net turned up: being bisexual is a halfway house on the journey to coming out as gay. This is not true. While some people do find their sexual orientation changes over the years, in general being bisexual is not a stop on the journey to becoming gay. It is not the inevitable outcome. Being bixesual is a destination in itself. Try looking at it this way. He picked you and you had more competition than you realised. However, when you start to work the odds out, if you are mixing in general society, then a bisexual male with still more likely end up with a female partner and a bisexual female end up with a man. For a bisexual person the extra percentage of people open to them is only a few percent more, as the majority of the opposite gender is straight, and so unavailable. This means that the bulk of the bisexual population is likely to be in mixed gender relationships. They can blend in and on the face of it pass as a straight couple, which seems to cause some annoyance to the gay community, as they feel this somehow makes the couple privileged in society. It also causes concern to bisexuals in an opposite gender relationship as they might feel that they are wrongly being counted as straight. More on that in a later post.
However, the main point we want to make is that being bisexual means for your marriage whatever you want it to mean. Remember, that being bisexual means that your partner is attracted to your gender, as well as other genders. It does not mean they will turn gay. They are not gay. I will say it again: they are not gay! They are bisexual. They are attracted to you. They married you. The key to retaining a strong marriage is to talk openly, to set boundaries, to strengthen up the perimeters of your relationship, and remember why you got married in the first place. Hopefully that was because you found your best friend, your soulmate, the person you want to grow old with. Your bisexual spouse being attracted to other genders shouldn’t be a big issue. Attraction doesn’t have to be acted upon and bisexuality is not an excuse for cheating or having extra relationships. Keep the bigger picture of your marriage and life together in mind as you work through this change in your identity
