Being a bisexual woman.
The prevailing feeling is that it is more acceptable for a woman to be bisexual than a man. That society is happy to accept a woman that is attracted to other women. I would have tended to agree with this, until I realised that I was actually a bisexual woman.
I think that it is deemed okay to be bisexual if you are a women in current society, but only if you are under 25 and blonde and very attractive. Basically you have to provide fodder for male fantasies, a non-threatening object of lust, magnified in appeal because you also like men.
This isn’t the reality for most bisexual women. We aren’t all young, super pretty and up for a threesome with a man who would get a kick out of acting out his fantasies. We are real people. Of all ages. Some married to men. Some to women. Some with kids. We work at different jobs. Some are disabled. We are as varied as any other demographic. And yes, some bisexual women are young and attractive, but that is the minority.
When, like most of us, you don’t fit the acceptable mould of a bisexual women things aren’t as easy. You cannot be an object of lust, you are just a woman with a minority sexual preference. However, due to modern society’s desire for youth and beauty, the experience of older bisexual women isn’t that much different from that of all women. If you aren’t young and pretty you are basically ignored.
Being a bisexual man.
There appears to be no hyper sexualised image of bisexual men like there is with young good looking women. There does appear to be an unfortunate recurring meme of evil men being bisexual. The lack of a hypersexualised image of bisexual men could be said to be helpful. When I read about bisexual women being propositioned for threesomes, I’m grateful that male bisexual’s don’t seem to fall into this hyper sexualised category.
There are still no prominent positive male bisexual role models in the public eye that have reached a large audience. Because of this not many prominent media personalities, sportsmen, public figures or high flying career men have chosen to come out as bisexual. Many will assume it’s a private matter that could only harm them if it became publically known. Many will be correct in their assumptions. However the lack of positive role models that these demographics would provide means the stigma is perpetuated. Recent YouGov polls in the U.S. and UK have shown that over a quarter of the population are basically bisexual to some degree.
In the absence of prominent openly bisexual male role models, and a prevalent stigma of a male bisexual being evil or predatory, bisexual men are left with being brave and stigmatised, or coming out selectively to a chosen few.
In my opinion the problems arise when coming out to male friends who may start to feel threatened or targets of imagined sexual advances. These are the same people harbouring homophobia or believing bisexual myths. Knowing when it is safe to come out can be tricky and scary. I’ve seen others test the water with me to see if I am LGBT friendly, such as talking about themselves not judging the lifestyles of consenting adults, waiting for me to reciprocate. If you are asked this and agree, then do reciprocate clearly. Sometimes I have just politely nodded or smiled and this is not enough to provide reassurance to them.
I always drop hints, or talk about related subjects first, to judge someone’s reactions to LGBT matters. If they use derogatory language about any sexual minority or transgender people then they are off the list of people who I like well enough to tell about my own sexuality. Their tone of voice can matter here since many will not know the correct terms to use. Kind words said with wrong or offensive terminology are better than correct terms said with venom and spite. In my opinion intent is more important than politically correct words.
The ‘choice’ about coming out as a bisexual man in a different gender relationship is a blessing and a curse. Those wanting to live authentically, the hearts on their sleeve types, may still decide that their career would be better served by using cautious and discretion in coming out to selectively chosen work colleagues. This can cause internal conflict about being proud and true to yourself and others and maximising your career success and possibly even family relationships. I talk about careers and being male because many industries are male dominated, especially at the top of career ladders. Therefore the attitudes of males towards bisexual men can have quite an effect on one’s career. I don’t blame anyone in this position wanting to try to remain closeted to get ahead before coming out, although I personally think the more of us who are out the better it will be for others.
