{"id":1198,"date":"2013-12-06T18:45:33","date_gmt":"2013-12-06T17:45:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/malebisexualqueer.wordpress.com\/?p=135"},"modified":"2013-12-06T18:45:33","modified_gmt":"2013-12-06T17:45:33","slug":"tom-daley-and-the-bisexual-question","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/2013\/12\/tom-daley-and-the-bisexual-question\/","title":{"rendered":"Tom Daley and the bisexual question"},"content":{"rendered":"

Tom Daley and the bisexual question
\n<\/strong>
\nThere are (hardly ever just) two sides to every story. So here are some thoughts on why we shouldn\u2019t label Tom Daley as bisexual, and then why it\u2019s important to keep the idea of bisexuality around in the discussion of sexual orientation.<\/p>\n

Tom Daley\u2019s recent video is super brilliant. He says he\u2019s met someone, feels really happy and safe with them, and…oh, it\u2019s a guy. It\u2019s brave, honest, and inspiring. And the honesty continues – when he adds, \u2018of course I still fancy girls.\u2019 He doesn\u2019t use gay or bisexual to define his sexual orientation – which I think makes him even braver.
\nBefore I get going, a quick note on the patronising attitudes of \u2018well duh!\u2019 or \u2018I always knew\u2019. WHy do people feel the need to affirm that they were right about something when the question of sexual orientation becomes an issue. This type of response is not really what the person sharing wants to hear. It makes someone\u2019s coming out, about you. It also (usually) confirms some stereotypical gender norms which we think identifies sexuality. \u2018I always knew\u2019 meaning \u2018You\u2019re not as \u2018masculine\u2019 as a straight man\u2019 or \u2018you look like a dyke.\u2019
\nSo, whether or not we thought we knew about Tom Daley, I\u2019d like to ask why so many people jumped up and said \u2018Tom Daley is GAY.\u2019
\nFirstly, if you make any suggestion in society that you might like people of the same sex, you\u2019re automatically labeled gay. And if you say you still like women too, they think you\u2019re lying. It just proves how strongly other sexualities are erased, when someone says they also like women, and people are still saying Daley\u2019s gay. It\u2019s a general problem of people not listening and thinking they know more about your desires that you do. It\u2019s a type of cultural imperialism.
\nBut pointing out that gay people aren\u2019t the only people who fancy people of the same sex is not having a go at gay people, or trying to marginalise them: it\u2019s trying to find a voice for other sidelined groups. Similarly, the phrase \u2018coming out\u2019, without any specification as to what or how you have \u2018come out\u2019, is ambiguous, and is assumed to mean that you have \u2018come out as gay.\u2019 The phrase is loaded with meaning before being used and associated with homosexuality. Another way that other sexual orientations are erased. All those who shouted \u201cTom Daley comes out as Gay\u201d didn\u2019t hear, rejected, or assumed he was lying when he said \u2018of course I still fancy girls.\u2019 [Daley\u2019s video isn\u2019t necessarily a \u2018coming out\u2019 video, but that\u2019s another discussion!]
\nRegarding the idea that he\u2019s lying, those such as Dan Savage fuel this type of idea. He says that lots of gay people use being bisexual as a step to soften the blow of coming out as gay, therefore lets \u2018wait and see\u2019. He doesn\u2019t think we can take young people\u2019s word for understanding their own experience. And yes, it can be confusing. But support doesn\u2019t come in the form of a label to help steady this confusion – unless the label seems right to you.
\nBut Daley stresses his desire to be honest, so why would he make such a courageous step and chose to lie about this? We have to take him at his word and show a bit of respect, before telling someone what their sexual desires mean. Even if he decides later that he\u2019s more into men, or only into men, why can\u2019t we leave him to have his bisexual phase. [Bisexuals are now screaming at the idea that bisexuality is just a phase, as this idea is often used against bisexuals to imply they will end up being hetero or homo, whereas for many, bisexuality is a life long reality. However, for some it can be a phase, so let\u2019s not be so rigid as to erase the experience of some out of fear that it implies something about our own.]
\nInterestingly, Dan Savange hasn\u2019t taken his usual line with Daley. He actually said that, \u2018The bisexual community gains a high-profile, doe-eyed spokesmodel.\u2019 It\u2019s an improvement for sure. But again, he appropriates someone\u2019s experience and forces a label on them – Daley never used the term bisexual, so how can he be a spokesperson?<\/p>\n

The simple rule of this is, just listen to what someone says, and don\u2019t let your fear of the unknown force you to name someone else\u2019s experience.<\/p>\n

However, even though Tom Daley is not bisexual, for the simple reason that he hasn\u2019t said he is, I do think it\u2019s important recognise that his experience sounds more like bisexuality than homosexuality. Same sex attraction shouldn\u2019t be a blackout clause for different-sex attraction, and the inclusion of the term bisexual into the discussion over Daley\u2019s sexuality is important. If it wasn\u2019t there, it would be another case of erasing bisexuality and acting like it didn\u2019t exist.
\nThere is a simple and quick jump from \u2018Daley hasn\u2019t used the word gay\u2019 to let\u2019s not name his sexuality\u2019 which reinforces the idea that bisexuality doesn\u2019t exist. It kinda of feels like the language of bisexuality is so unavailable for people that even if their sexual orientation fits this description, we move straight onto saying that we shouldn\u2019t use a label. And while I\u2019ve argued for this above, there is still a part of me that feels like the resistance to bisexuality persists in this attitude. It\u2019s a subtle form of biphobia.
\nBiphobia can be described simply as \u2018an aversion towards bisexuality.\u2019 This aversion can take many forms, from stereotypes, disbelief and erasure to name a few. Here are some examples of biphobic responses to bisexuality:<\/p>\n

\u2018There\u2019s no such thing as bisexuality\u2019
\n\u2018It\u2019s a phase\u2019
\n\u2018You\u2019re just trying to get attention\u2019
\n\u2018Greedy huh?\u2019
\n\u2018Yeah, every is bisexual though. What\u2019s your ratio from men: women?\u2019
\nTo men: \u2018No, you\u2019re gay dear\u2019
\nTo women: \u2018You just want more men to think you\u2019re hot\u2019
\n\u2018I don\u2019t trust bisexuals\u2019
\n\u2018Who cares?\u2019<\/p>\n

So yeah, it would be easier not to have to deal with everyone\u2019s preconceived ideas about bisexuality, and might appear easier just to be hetero or homo. But let\u2019s leave a bit of space for those who are neither, and avow that we do have a word for that, before bypassing the reality of bisexuality. Even if Tom Daley didn\u2019t use it, doesn\u2019t use it in the future, the issues is a much wider one. Can we perhaps start to listen to people when they speak about their sexuality? Could we begin to avow that bisexuality exists, for (cis and trans gender) men and women, independently from whether Tom Daley is or is not bisexual?<\/p>\n

Other interesting articles in relation to the taboo of bisexuality and going beyond identities<\/strong><\/p>\n

Why we shouldn\u2019t rush to define Tom Daley\u2019s sexuality, by Nichi Hogson: http:\/\/www.theguardian.com\/commentisfree\/2013\/dec\/02\/tom-daley-bisexual-sexuality-diver-relationship-man<\/a><\/p>\n

Bisexual: A label with layers http:\/\/www.nytimes.com\/2014\/01\/05\/fashion\/Tom-Daley-Bisexual-LGBT.html?_r=1&amp<\/a>;<\/p>\n

A new way to come out, by Joe Stone: http:\/\/www.theguardian.com\/society\/2013\/dec\/03\/tom-daley-new-way-to-come-out<\/a><\/p>\n

Biphobia: it goes both ways, by Robyn Ochs, http:\/\/www.robynochs.com\/writing\/essays\/biphobia.html<\/a>
\nFor an interesting Radio segment on going beyond (bi)sexuality with Marcus Morgan see the World at one on Radio 4, 38:45 minutes in http:\/\/www.bbc.co.uk\/iplayer\/episode\/b03jp7by\/World_at_One_04_12_2013\/<\/a><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a> \"\"<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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