A few days ago Alan Chambers, of the now defunct Exodus International [an organisation which claimed to help \u2018cure\u2019 people of their same sex orientation], wrote an open apology to the LGBTQ community for the harm it had caused with its reparative therapy.<\/p>\n
When my partner started to read the story out to me at\u00a07am\u00a0after I just woke up, I didn\u2019t really know how engage with it. It seemed like something I\u2019d been avoiding had risen to consciousness. I haven\u2019t really dealt with my faith and sexuality in any concrete way. I guess I\u2019ve been coming to terms with my sexuality after 15 years of having not done this, rather than figuring out what that means for a faith I had\/have. And while this post won\u2019t fully explain where I feel I am in regard to this, I feel it\u2019s a good opportunity to address some issues that I know I have come to have an opinion on, and why I think they\u2019re important.<\/p>\n
This will mainly be addressed to Christians, people of various religious persuasions,\u00a0and all those others [whatever your reasons] who think that same-sex attraction isn\u2019t acceptable.<\/p>\n
The things I\u2019d like to talk about are 1) Why Alan Chamber\u2019s apology is a mostly a load of crap. 2) Why it\u2019s homophobic to not accept LGBT people into your community. 3) Why my lack of acceptance of your view on homosexuality is different from your lack of acceptance of my view on homosexuality. 4) Why I\u2019m disappointed with a lot of my christian *friends*.<\/p>\n
So, Alan Chambers has apologised to the LGBT community. He has closed his \u2018pray-the-gay-away\u2019 organisation. Here is an excerpt from that apology:<\/p>\n
I am sorry for the pain and hurt many of you have experienced. I am sorry that some of you spent years working through the shame and guilt you felt when your attractions didn\u2019t change. I am sorry we promoted sexual orientation change efforts and reparative theories about sexual orientation that stigmatized parents. I am sorry that there were times I didn\u2019t stand up to people publicly \u201con my side\u201d who called you names like sodomite\u2014or worse. I am sorry that I, knowing some of you so well, failed to share publicly that the gay and lesbian people I know were every bit as capable of being amazing parents as the straight people that I know. I am sorry that when I celebrated a person coming to Christ and surrendering their sexuality to Him that I callously celebrated the end of relationships that broke your heart. I am sorry that I have communicated that you and your families are less than me and mine.<\/p>\n
You might think, if you\u2019re at all open-minded, that this is a good thing. Well done Alan Chambers. A positive step forward. And, you know what, I think it is. It\u2019s important to hear people who had been so staunchly against you apologise. It\u2019s more than a lot of people would be willing to do. However, if we look a little deeper, nothing really seems to have changed. And my fear is that, this actually makes things worse. With an apology for trying to change people\u2019s sexual orientation, make everybody \u2018straight\u2019, and exclude those who were unwilling to go along with such an idea,\u00a0 [i.e. support oppression and discrimination] you might expect some positive affirmation of LGBT orientations: i.e \u201cI\u2019m sorry that I told you that being gay wasn\u2019t ok; for trying to help you be more straight; for the hurt this has caused you – please forgive me. It\u2019s ok to be gay.\u201d But this is not what has happened. There has been an apology, with no change of attitude towards LGBT peoples at the core. Here is the next excerpt from the apology:<\/p>\n
I cannot apologize for my deeply held biblical beliefs about the boundaries I see in scripture surrounding sex, but I will exercise my beliefs with great care and respect for those who do not share them.\u00a0 I cannot apologize for my beliefs about marriage. But I do not have any desire to fight you on your beliefs or the rights that you seek. My beliefs about these things will never again interfere with God\u2019s command to love my neighbor as I love myself.<\/p>\n
Alan Chambers does not believe that same sex attraction is acceptable. He does not think that gay marriage is a positive step. And he won\u2019t apologise for this. Won\u2019t apologise! What was he apologising for then?<\/p>\n
Just to be clear: he will apologise for the hurt caused in the past, but won\u2019t apologise for propping up, proclaiming, and continuing a belief system and institution which will continue to hurt, exclude, discriminate against the LGBT community. He won\u2019t apologise for his beliefs about marriage, but he won\u2019t try and hurt you any more by claiming that he has changed his sexual preference and erased his own same-sex desire [which he was lying about] so you should be able to too. But he will continue to believe that he had the *right* view of marriage and of sexual practice and orientation, i.e. same-sex attraction is still fundamentally *sinful*.<\/p>\n
He says he wants to continue the conversation and cultivate human flourishing. How can someone flourish when they are constantly trying to erase part of themselves? Alan Chambers has a wife and family. He admits that he is still attracted to men. His apology was, in part, for claiming to not have these attractions, and for saying that it was possible to overcome them. His apology was not for having said that these attractions were sinful, evil, and unnatural. This, I assume, has still not changed.\u00a0It\u2019s a disgusting thing when someone apologises to you for the hurt they\u2019ve caused, and then continues to tell you that you\u2019re wrong and they\u2019re right, indicating that they\u2019re quite unaware of the hurt they\u2019ve caused, or\u00a0how<\/b>\u00a0they\u2019ve caused it.<\/p>\n
Another problem with this issue is that Alan Chambers has a wife. There will be a divide on this issue.\u00a0*Generalisation warning*<\/i>\u00a0The Christians will say \u2018Look, you can change your sexual orientation, this is the proof.\u2019 The gay community will say, \u2018He admits he\u2019s still attracted to men, he\u2019s just lying to himself and using Jesus as an excuse. He\u2019s totally gay.\u2019<\/p>\n
I\u2019d like to say this: if Alan Chambers wants to have a wife and be attracted to men as well as women, then that is just fine. We might call it bisexuality; we might call it being queer, or having non-normative sexuality; we might even, if we\u2019re really progressive, not need to call it anything. I\u2019m not interested in interrogating Alan Chamber\u2019s personal life. What is not ok is to try and claim someone\u2019s sexuality for your team, because you think you know best what certain indications of sexual attraction mean.<\/p>\n
What is also not ok is for Alan Chambers to continue to tell others, inside and outside of his faith community, that same-sex attraction is fundamentally sinful. And this, I imagine, is where many of you will say \u2018Well hold on a minute, if we can\u2019t tell you how to live then don\u2019t try and tell us how to live or what to believe.\u2019 This is a classic response from Christians I have encountered.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d like to move on to why I think my attitude towards fundamentalist Christians\u2019 beliefs is different from their attitude towards my sexual orientation.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ll state here at the beginning of this section that I think that those who believe same-sex attraction to be sinful and unnatural, are homophobic and bigoted. Yes. Homophobia is not only a \u2018fear\u2019 of homosexuality, but an aversion to it, discrimination against it, and delegitimization of it, whether actively or passively. Bigotry is an intolerance held towards those who hold different opinions from oneself. Many people hold these traits without knowing that they do.<\/p>\n
There are different ways to approach the reasons that same sex attraction is acceptable. One is just to state that it is. Simple. Heterosexuals don\u2019t have to prove, justify, or argue for their sexual preference, so why should anyone who falls outside of that category have to? Why is the weight of responsibility on LGBT peoples rather than on those who exclude them?<\/p>\n
Some people go for this, surprisingly (this is irony for those of you who grew up in sheltered communities where you didn\u2019t know anyone gay until you went to university, or still have never had a gay friend). It\u2019s got various names, like acceptance and love.<\/p>\n
But, as I know, lots of people [read fundamentalist Christians] don\u2019t go for this argument. So I\u2019ll try a few other approaches. But I do it with the acknowledgment that I and other non-heterosexuals shouldn\u2019t HAVE to do this. We shouldn\u2019t have to educate. We aren\u2019t required to justify ourselves. Why? In order to contradict my lack of need to justify myself –Because what we believe isn\u2019t hurting anyone<\/b>. This is one reason that why what I believe is different to what you believe.<\/p>\n
Second, most people don\u2019t choose to have same-sex attraction, it just is part of their experience in the world. I\u2019m not saying it\u2019s something you\u2019re born with either; by a culmination of various factors, one\u2019s sexual orientation arises. But I also believe that sexuality can be fluid, can change over time. [This is not an attempt to say that everyone is bisexual.] If you\u2019ve never thought about this, try the following: whatever your sexual attraction, try changing it. Do it now, wherever you\u2019re sitting: imagine being attracted to the sex you are not usually attracted to. Take a few minutes. Can you do it? This experiment does two things. It either shows you that it\u2019s difficult to change your sexuality just to tie in with a religious doctrine, or it shows you that sexuality can be fluid and not fixed to rigid categories. The argument works both ways. For anyone who has had to fight and struggle against their sexual desires, it can be distressing, tiring, and damaging. Please don\u2019t be someone who tries to force others to do this<\/b>. It\u2019s inhumane.<\/p>\n
A response to this will be that there are people within the Christian community who have \u2018succeeded\u2019 in \u2018changing\u2019 their sexuality: they have been transformed! Unless you are one of those people, you can never really know what it\u2019s like, or whether that attraction has been changed, augmented, diminished, or just repressed. For Alan Chambers, his desires never went away, but he is also attracted to women. But there are many whose sexuality will not take this form, and shouldn\u2019t be\u00a0forced<\/b>\u00a0into a heterosexual model of sexuality. I would also add that my guess would be that 90% of those within one of these communities who has been *transformed*, if asked honestly, would have preferred it if their sexual desires were just accepted and not labeled as abhorrent. The other 10% have probably internalized homophobia to such a degree that they are still praising God that they\u2019re not gay. I had internalised a lot of homophobia and it has taken me about a year to come to terms with my same-sex attraction after years of rejecting, avoiding, and repressing it. The fear that is associated with same-sex desire when you try to start coming to terms with it is difficult. I imagine that this fear grips many Christians who experience same-sex attraction. It can be demoralising, cause depression, and provoke suicidal thoughts and suicide. Sound familiar to anyone who\u2019s been through it or been close to anyone who\u2019s been through it? If this if you, please do let me know if I\u2019m wrong. I\u2019d like to hear of your experience.<\/p>\n
But for those of you who haven\u2019t ever had to think about or question your sexuality to such a degree – please stop telling people that they\u2019re wrong and sinful. It completely erases people\u2019s experiences, difficulties and traumas. If you\u2019ve never even questioned, or thought about your own sexuality, let alone other people\u2019s, then please stop to consider how difficult and oppressive your attitude may be. For those of us who have lived the experience of same-sex attraction, perhaps you could pay us the courtesy of listening to us rather than ramming the bible [albeit 1 or 2 verses] in our faces and asking us to change.<\/p>\n
Not allowing practicing LGBT people into your community is discrimination, and therefore homophobic and bigoted. Allowing LGBT people into your community, but secretly hoping they\u2019ll change is bigoted. Allowing LGBT people, not hoping they\u2019ll change, but not allowing them to do certain things within the community, is bigoted.<\/p>\n
Remember when society didn\u2019t let black people on buses; or when women weren\u2019t able to vote; and only the upper classes were allowed into universities? Racism, sexism, classism are still issues for our society, but discrimination against someone\u2019s sexual orientation is often over looked by Christians as different from these. \u201cYou cant join this club because you\u2019re black\u201d is akin to saying \u201cyou can\u2019t join this club because you\u2019re a lesbian\u201d. The response to this will be that \u201cIt isn\u2019t me who says that it\u2019s wrong to be gay, it\u2019s God.\u201d Firstly, not all christians believe this, it\u2019s YOUR interpretation, take some responsibility for a choice you have made to believe this. It didn\u2019t pop up from nowhere, and others in your own community disagree with you, so it is a choice.\u00a0You are making a choice to be bigoted.<\/b>\u00a0Being asked to change this belief is not akin to being asked to change your sexuality. You can do this quite easily. You can chose to keep your beliefs and not be a bigot.<\/p>\n