{"id":151,"date":"2012-07-10T17:50:19","date_gmt":"2012-07-10T17:50:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/bisexualwombat.wordpress.com\/?p=101"},"modified":"2012-07-10T17:50:19","modified_gmt":"2012-07-10T17:50:19","slug":"what-not-to-say-when-you-find-out-someones-queer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/2012\/07\/what-not-to-say-when-you-find-out-someones-queer\/","title":{"rendered":"What not to say when you find out someone\u2019s queer"},"content":{"rendered":"
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I like living in an age where Frank Ocean comes out and people everywhere don’t give a shit, loudly, in text spk.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

I read this on Twitter last week.\u00a0 I do not like that I live in that age, but I couldn’t figure out how to explain it in 140 characters or fewer.\u00a0 Being a curmudgeonly Radio 4 listener, I didn’t even know who Frank Ocean was until there was a tempest in an internetcup about him coming out. More about that later.<\/p>\n

But I actually do not like living in a world where people don’t care that someone’s gay (or trans or bi or genderqueer or anything really).\u00a0 I want people to care.<\/p>\n

A friend told me the other day she tried to explain to someone why “So?” isn’t a good response to someone coming out.\u00a0 I don’t know how the conversation went, but\u00a0 Ican guess…<\/p>\n

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dear heterofolk: coming out is actually NOT a surprise party we’re throwing just for you; variations on “I’m not surprised” make u a douche<\/em><\/p>\n

–also from Twitter<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Unrelatedly, someone told me “We really, really need to not care about sexual preferences.”\u00a0 She’s very proud she’s doing her part.\u00a0 I told her this sounds like she didn’t care about me<\/em>, because being bi is an integrated part of my identity — there’s more to sexuality than sex! — but it didn’t seem to make any difference.<\/p>\n

People think the best thing they can do with minority sexualities is ignore them.\u00a0 I disagree.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Don’t tell me it’s private.\u00a0 Tiger Beatdown explains it<\/a> better than I could:<\/p>\n

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Heterosexuals do announce their sexuality in public, all the time, of course. Walking down the street holding hands, kissing their lover, wearing wedding rings, clothing and other aesthetic codes… In his coming out letter, Cooper notes that he didn\u2019t come out because a reporter\u2019s private life shouldn\u2019t matter. Indeed. But part of the point is, being heterosexual isn\u2019t private \u2013 it\u2019s public.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Oh there are some people who think they’re private about their heterosexuality, but they do benefit from a heteronormative culture.\u00a0 Maybe they’re uncomfortable with anyone else’s display of sexual identity because they don’t really think they have to have one. \u00a0 never have to think about it.<\/p>\n

Pretty much anything that makes a person go “Wow, I never have to think about that” is probably related to some kind of privilege.\u00a0 A lot of people don’t like the word “privilege,” but I think it’s just a word for not even knowing (or not caring) what you’re taking for granted.<\/p>\n

And I can see how people are trying to extend this privilege by saying “I don’t care, it doesn’t matter” in the same way that they don’t care about their own sexuality and think it doesn’t matter.\u00a0 They’re often well-intentioned, and often not worth quibbling with — we have to pick our battles.<\/p>\n

And yes, it’s possibly not directly important to the quality of Frank Ocean’s music whether he’s straight or not…but actually, I could easily see that being out as something other than straight might give him the freedom to address songs to non-heteronormative partners (real or theoretical) or queer subject matter.\u00a0 Maybe just not having the tension of keeping a secret will allow him to concentrate better on his art.<\/p>\n

You can do better than “not care”: you can be happy for us; you can be nice to us, show some interest in us.\u00a0 We don’t have to “admit” we’re queer like we’re confessing a murder, but if it sounds like we do, you can acknowledge our battles and help us fight them.<\/p>\n

One reaction like this<\/a> makes me happier than a million “we don’t care”s.<\/p>\n

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It seems to me that this reaction to Ocean’s statement is symptomatic of our lack of sensitivity and understanding when it comes to human sexuality. The media and general discourse wants to place a definition and polarising assessment of sexuality that, for many of us, simply isn’t part of our reality. Despite the gradual eroding of homophobia in British culture (and there’s still a lot more distance left to cover on that front, despite what we’re told) it seems to me that bisexuality is still very much a taboo, for women as well as men.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

A public figure coming out is a big deal.\u00a0 Someone you know coming out to you is a big deal.\u00a0 It’s a chance not just to learn something about that person, but to examine our own assumptions, prejudices and the many ways in which the world we live in is not quite the world we might want it to be.\u00a0 I know a lot of you want to be properly supportive and give the “right” answers and everything, and I just thought you should know that saying “So?” or “I don’t care” or “it doesn’t matter” or “I’m not surprised” isn’t really any help.<\/strong>\u00a0 It does matter, and we care.<\/p>\n

Again from that Tiger Beatdown entry:<\/p>\n

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So as a queer woman, I find cynicism and snark from heterosexual people who\u2019ve never experienced the pressure of either the closet or outness just a little much. It\u2019s not the sign of your comfort with queer culture that you might think it is, and it\u2019s not particularly supportive. \u00a0We still face immense pressure, and that requires your empathy and compassion, not your judgment.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

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I like living in an age where Frank Ocean comes out and people everywhere don’t give a shit, loudly, in text spk. I read this on Twitter last week.  I do not like that I live in that age, but I couldn’t figure out how to explain it in 140 characters or fewer.  Being a […]\"\"<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":10,"featured_media":1211,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[116,160],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-151","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-coming-out","category-supporting-the-queers"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/151","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/10"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=151"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/151\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1211"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=151"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=151"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=151"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}