Coming out to the important people in our lives can be a difficult thing to do.\u00a0 We have to deal with a range of fears, including fear of rejection, fear of embarrassment and fear of being misunderstood.\u00a0\u00a0 While such fears are often unavoidable, if we get overwhelmed by fear then we can communicate poorly, making it hard for the person we\u2019re coming out to to understand what we\u2019re trying to say.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s why it\u2019s worth thinking carefully through how you will come out, and making a basic plan to guide you, so that you don\u2019t get thrown off course by your nerves.<\/p>\n
There are many ways that you could come out, and you\u2019ll probably want to stamp your individuality onto the guide below. The guide lays out some general principles which I hope will lay a foundation from which you can design a way of coming out which suits you and your personality.\u00a0 Your backstory and current experience are unique to you, so be true to yourself and personalise your coming out in whatever way makes sense to you.<\/p>\n
Most of the people we want to come out to, at least at first, will be the important people in our lives, such as partners, family\u00a0and\u00a0friends. This guide might not therefore be so appropriate if you are coming out to a work colleague or acquaintance.\u00a0 However, many of the general principles in the guide could be applied to any coming out situation.<\/p>\n
1) Accept and tolerate your anxiety about coming out<\/strong><\/p>\n Anxiety is a normal reaction to the idea and process of coming out.\u00a0 We might be afraid of rejection, misunderstanding, embarrassment, or prejudice among other things. \u00a0Accepting these nerves as unavoidable is crucial.\u00a0 Anxiety doesn\u2019t feel good, but it won\u2019t harm you, and will subside shortly, especially after you\u2019ve overcome the hurdle of actually saying, \u2018I\u2019m bisexual\u2019.<\/p>\n Just let the fear be there, accept that it\u2019s normal and inevitable.\u00a0 It may help to reimagine the anxiety as a positive force that\u2019s pushing you to come out, that\u2019s wanting you to do something that will free you and make your life better.<\/p>\n 2) Choose an appropriate time to come out<\/strong><\/p>\n It\u2019s important that there\u2019s plenty of time and space to talk after you have revealed your bisexuality.\u00a0 Choosing a private, calm and preferably familiar environment is sensible, so that the conditions are optimal for a relaxed conversation.\u00a0 If you prefer a coffee shop or another relaxed public venue, and you think the person you\u2019re talking to will feel comfortable there, then that could work too.<\/p>\n Try to avoid times when you know the person you\u2019re wanting to come out to may be stressed \u2013 ie. just before or just after work.\u00a0\u00a0 Likewise, if they\u2019re dealing with a particular stress or worry at a given time, then you might want to wait for another time when they are more relaxed before coming out to them.<\/p>\n 3) Be as open as possible<\/strong><\/p>\n Being open is important as it helps the other person understand your bisexuality better.\u00a0 If they have any prejudices or faulty beliefs about bisexuality, then these will persist unless you can help them understand things differently, by explaining your bisexuality to them clearly.<\/p>\n It would be natural for the person you\u2019re coming out to to have questions.\u00a0 Be open to those questions, and make it clear that you\u2019re happy to be asked and to share your experience.\u00a0 This will establish that bisexuality is not a \u2018sensitive\u2019 topic which should be avoided, but a normal and interesting part of life, and something they can safely show an interest in in the future.<\/p>\n 4) Explain you are bisexual using clear and simple language<\/strong><\/p>\n Be straightforward in your word choice and descriptions so that it\u2019s clear what you are communicating. Having an idea in advance of precisely how you\u2019ll break the news can be very helpful, so that you don\u2019t get overcome by nerves and find yourself rambling.<\/p>\n You could write down some ideas of what you want to say, and even memorise a few words or phrases that you\u2019d like to include.<\/p>\n 5) Affirm the importance of your relationship with\u00a0the person you’re coming out to<\/strong><\/p>\n Coming out is primarily something you do to improve your own wellbeing, but it can also help us build a better relationship with someone else.\u00a0 Coming out is about wanting to involve another person more deeply in your life and experience. It\u2019s about trust and intimacy and love, and enhancing all of these things.<\/p>\n So, if it makes sense to you, let the person know in your own way that they are important to you.\u00a0 Doing so will also help put the person at ease, and underline the need for them to respond in a loving and considerate way to what you are telling them.<\/p>\n 6) Dealing with any prejudice or negative reactions <\/strong><\/p>\n For most people, coming out to the important people in their lives goes much more smoothly than they feared it might. This is because the people we are close to usually love us very much and want us to feel happy and free in our lives. Seeing us anxious or unhappy makes them unhappy too. Even if they find what you are telling them emotionally difficult, they will try to make you feel at ease and want to help and accept you.<\/p>\n However, sometimes we have to deal with a negative reaction from someone who we are close to, even if they are broadly kind and sympathetic towards us.\u00a0 Even generally sensitive and decent people can hold some biphobic or homophobic beliefs.<\/p>\n If any such beliefs are expressed when you come out, it can be helpful to gently and calmly explain that those beliefs aren\u2019t accurate.\u00a0 Explaining the facts and true nature of bisexuality<\/a> to others can transform their beliefs, which they have often arrived at not by rational thought, but by absorbing them from the wider society.<\/p>\n Biphobic and homophobic beliefs can also quickly wither away when someone realises that a person they love is bisexual.\u00a0 Many times, casually held prejudicial beliefs are quickly reversed when someone is confronted with a bisexual person in their family or friendship circle.\u00a0 You may even find that those who held such beliefs become your greatest supporters and champions.<\/p>\n Sometimes, sadly, biphobic and homophobic beliefs endure for longer.\u00a0 When this is the case, we need to give a person holding such beliefs some time and space to reflect.<\/p>\n When you come out, if the person\u2019s negative beliefs show no sign of changing during your conversation, then it\u2019s probably better not to argue the point too much straight away.\u00a0 Give them time to go away and consider what you have told them.<\/p>\n With continuing engagement with you as an \u2018out\u2019 bisexual person, they may come to abandon their beliefs over time.\u00a0 Even if they cling on to those beliefs, this doesn\u2019t mean that you can\u2019t have a valuable relationship with that person, although it may prove challenging to tolerate their views, especially if they are keen to express them.<\/p>\n This blog post is an edited extract from my book<\/strong> \u2018How to be a Happy Bisexual: A Guide to Self-Acceptance and Wellbeing<\/a><\/strong>\u2019 available<\/strong> here<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n