{"id":8130,"date":"2018-07-02T10:30:50","date_gmt":"2018-07-02T09:30:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/danielvb.com\/?p=239"},"modified":"2018-07-02T10:30:50","modified_gmt":"2018-07-02T09:30:50","slug":"the-switch-up-a-manic-episode","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/2018\/07\/the-switch-up-a-manic-episode\/","title":{"rendered":"The switch up: a manic episode"},"content":{"rendered":"

CW: manic and depressive episodes of bipolar affective disorder<\/p>\n

You know those type of false epiphanies? The kind that tell you this is your dream and what you have always wanted to do, but ultimately, they are catering to a certain need or want in that precise moment? That\u2019s pretty much hypomania for me.<\/p>\n

On the 28th<\/sup> of March 2018 I decided to create a blog and try my hand at content creation slash writing. I\u2019ve loved every bit of it, but also on the 28th<\/sup> of March 2018 I was in a hypomanic episode, one which hit the dizzying heights where I remember proclaiming \u201cI don\u2019t even think I have bipolar anymore, I think they got it all wrong\u201d.<\/p>\n

Oh, you sweet, na\u00efve little boy.<\/p>\n

Those kind of episodes are a trip, your confidence sky rockets, you\u2019re resolute in your every thought and deliver on your tiniest of whims. You\u2019re a god in your eyes and never wrong. You\u2019re righteous and magnanimous, following the fair and just moral compass. Yeah, it’s wacky.<\/p>\n

I kept saying to my therapist that \u201cI\u2019m waiting for the downward dip\u201d i.e. depressive episode. Yet, I was actually telling myself that I was cured \u2013 some might call this delusional, I prefer aggressively optimistic. Either way, it never came. One week, two, a month, five and a half weeks. I was finally slapped out of it by someone who seemingly had hulk sized hands.<\/p>\n

Depressive episodes are depressing, I don\u2019t ache with tiredness or stop washing.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t read, I can only take in audio or visual stimuli \u2013 so I switch to documentaries (and most recently, podcasts). I lose the joy of cooking, so it\u2019s just hand food or take out. I can\u2019t exercise as my energy levels are so low and I find any excuse to be in bed by 9pm.<\/p>\n

I had all of this but with the added bonus of anxiety surrounding my imminent move. For reasons eternally boring and regressive to the conversation, moving home is a big deal for me and I don\u2019t have the support network \u2013 or ability \u2013 to do it without a serious head fuck, so, I have been self-medicating. I\u2019ve drunk almost every night for 3 weeks \u2013 alone or otherwise \u2013 and over indulged in caffeine. It\u2019s not been fun. I am hundreds of pounds poorer and quite literally in worse health than I was a month ago.<\/p>\n

But I see a certain silver lining to this black cloud: clarity. In not being able to read, I am also unable to write, so my blogging and other activities have been on hiatus. However, there has been a looming uncertainty to what I\u2019m doing. Being fuelled by hypomanic energy means that basically anything done in that time is a different me. I had that quite simply pointed out to me in this hard-hitting article.<\/a><\/p>\n

Never have I read something so relatable around bipolar (ironically, also, 10 minutes after reading this I did a 360 and convinced myself that I don\u2019t have bipolar as bad as her and should stop complaining \u2013 can I catch a break?).<\/p>\n

\u201cI will admit that I am not well. That writing this, right now, I am not well. This will colour the writing.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

This will colour the writing<\/em>. Bipolar, or I guess hypomania, is that black gloopy stuff in the inkwell. It changes my narrative, my story, my actions and my thoughts. It\u2019s the reason I\u2019ve bought one-way tickets across the world and the reason I\u2019ve put myself into dangerous positions with strangers. The reason I\u2019ve been most successful at various times of life and the reason I have ultimately crashed and burned. It colours my writing, quite literally, every time I sit down at my computer.<\/p>\n

I miss the concise thinking of mania, the strength of will behind my words and the bolstering of my convictions. They don\u2019t fade once I\u2019m out of the episode, they lay dormant, biding their time.<\/p>\n

Yet, I like these moments too. With age, and experience, I have gained a slight advantage as I do ultimately know what\u2019s coming. It isn\u2019t much use when you believe your actions more than your thoughts, but it\u2019s a comfort when reflecting weeks later. A poignant point of that article remains:<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen friends decades older tell me off for saying that I am old, at 28, what I mean is: I haven\u2019t achieved all the things I could have done without this illness. I should have written a book by now. I should have done so many things! All the time, I feel I am playing catch-up. Always. I worry, and most of the literature tells me, that I will have this problem for life. That it will go on, after the hashtags and the documentaries and the book deals and Princes Harry and William \u2013 while the NHS circles closer to the drain.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

So, as I sit here reflecting on what my next steps are, I think of where I could be \u2013 where I want to be \u2013 and what I should be doing to realise those things. I know I don\u2019t want to stop writing or annoying people with my blog, but I need to refine and reduce my output to ensure that it is sustainable within different episodes of life (and mental illness). I need to actively start putting my money where my mouth is and channel this energy into something that will bring more lucrative returns – as we can\u2019t pretend we don\u2019t need money.<\/p>\n

I also need to be content with change and being wrong, I can\u2019t always be in control of what I do or what happens to me, but I can be in control of how those things are perceived or how they become perpetual to my being.<\/p>\n

Changing the name of my website and reducing what I put out there doesn\u2019t retract from what I ultimately want to do, it just alters it. Being able to walk away from something and focus harder on another element is actually what I\u2019d call progress.<\/p>\n

Go me, progress.<\/p>\n

Perhaps I\u2019ll open an ice-cream shop in my next episode. Stay tuned.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

CW: manic and depressive episodes of bipolar affective disorder You know those type of false epiphanies? The kind that tell you this is your dream and what you have always wanted to do, but ultimately, they are catering to a certain need or want in that precise moment? That’s pretty much hypomania for me. On […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":52,"featured_media":1211,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[743,661,666,667,117,301,11,664,529,247],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8130","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-being-a-millenial","category-bipolar","category-blog","category-blogger","category-blogging","category-health","category-mental-health","category-mental-health-awareness","category-mental-illness","category-writing"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8130","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/52"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8130"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8130\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8132,"href":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8130\/revisions\/8132"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1211"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8130"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8130"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bimedia.org\/blogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8130"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}