Coming Out to…the Male Friend

My Thoughts

First of all, apologies for the odd title. In no way do I want to suggest that this particular friend’s defining quality is the fact that he is male. It’s just that in the context of this post his gender becomes very relevant. If you look at the timeline of friends and family I’ve come out to, it quickly becomes evident that most of the voices on my blog are female.

There’s a very specific reason for that: growing up I had this fear that male friends would reject me thinking that I wanted to have sex with them. Thus I shied away from discussing my sexuality with them and opted to speak to female friends instead. In my mind back then, even if my female friends did not react positively to my bisexuality, I thought that they wouldn’t feel personally threatened by it. Of course, I’ve learned since then that many heterosexual women are quite insecure around bisexuality, and maybe I’ll cover that in another post.

Coming back to this particular friend, I have to say that thankfully none of my fears ever materialised. I do try to pick my battles carefully, and when I came out to this friend I presupposed that he wouldn’t react too negatively. He’s calm and logical, and frankly he’s also far too nice for hostility. Still, I’ve been lucky, as sadly I’ve met many others who’s friends haven’t reacted quite so well.

To do things a little differently this time, I leave you with our Facebook “coming out” conversation below.

Me

Anyway, lots has happened this year, I could tell you but you need to be really REALLY open minded

What have you been up to? Working/studying? Update me

Him

I am studying this semester; finals are next week, lol. In the summer I will be working so no chance of going back to BD. I am guessing you and The Best Friend are heading back to Bangladesh in the summer?

Tell me what happened to you this year. You got me curious I like to think I have an open mind, so go ahead and tell me your story

Btw, Shuvo Nobooborsho

Me

Shubho Noboborsho to you too

Finals next week eh? I feel for you, although mine start on the 30th of this month. It’s too bad we don’t get to see you this summer, but we knew this. The Best Friend and I are heading back for the summer, but I dunno if it’ll be the same times. I have my work visa to sort out.

About what happened this year and keeping an open mind….I’m bisexual. Don’t know how you’ll react, but I kinda wanna see the look on your face I’ve known about myself for quite a while (like before college) but was afraid to tell people. I only started telling people this year…and so far among our friends The Best Friend and The Sensible Friend know, and are fine with it.

So…questions, comments? Your thoughts mean a lot to me.

Him

You better not be pulling a prank on me like that fake relationship with The Best Friend, lol.

I am kidding, I believe you. I am also fine with you being bisexual. I am glad you decided to be open about it. We are who we are and there’s nothing wrong with that

Questions:

1) Are you still going out with the girlfriend?

2) Did something significant happen this year?

3) How do you see this changing your life?

I support you. If you ever need to talk about anything, let me know. We should Skype sometime

Good luck with your dissertation tomorrow

Me

No prank, although part of me wishes it was. I’m relieved at your positive reaction, but am a bit creeped out by aaall the smiley faces

Answers to your questions:

a) Not dating the girlfriend any more, haven’t been since Sept. last year. She knows I’m bi, she was the first person I told after we broke up. She was fine with it/found it funny at first, but we’ve become distant since then.

b) The coming out was significant! Also, I was going to group LGB counselling sessions and such that really helped…um but getting the job was still the highlight of the recent past!

c) Short answer to a huge question. I’m worried about my parents reaction – I will tell them and I will force them to accept me lol, but I see that as a huge uphill battle. And Bangladesh. How am I gonna live there for any extended period of time if I’m open or what happens if I have a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend? Bleh

Sorry about the late reply, I was knackered after being up 36 hours straight to do my dissertation (which went well btw). I want your girlfriend to know too. Do you think I should tell her directly, or do you want to tell her?

Him

Sorry abt the late reply, I had exams the last few days and didn’t get to come online

My Girlfriend is totally cool with it and supports you. I told her about it yesterday. You can talk to her more about it

Don’t be creeped out with the smiley faces, I like using them, haha.

Are you sure you want to tell your parents about it now?

It’s probably not a good idea to be open about being bi in Bangladesh. I fear the religious mollas might try to hurt you or what not. I had no idea you planned to live in Bangladesh after…

Me

Nah it’s okay, I remember you said you had finals in one of your last messages. I’ll message your Girlfriend tomorrow, right now my new phone just arrived and I’m playing with it.

I’ll tell my parents after I’m completely independent, not before. I know it’s not safe in Bangladesh, but it’s something I feel I should be doing regardless. Also, never really planned to go back for good, but I did want to spend a few years there now and again. Anyway, new phone beckons, will write more soon

Him

lol, what new phone did u get? Galaxy Nexus?

Have fun with it! We’ll talk soon.

And that was that. We’ve talked about my sexuality since, from serious conversations on how I’m handling it to him telling me that even though it doesn’t dare use the word bisexual, I should still watch Orange is the New Black. I’ve never really quizzed him about LGBTQ rights or his religious beliefs etc., so I can’t offer anyone more commentary here. But what I can say is that I don’t feel I need to given our friendship. I just hope that more LGBTQ people out there have friends like mine, including him.

His Thoughts

Coming soon – I’ve been nagging him!