BiBloggers

When someone says "I'm not xxx but" you know it's not going to end well. Here's Dan Savage trying to atone for his past misdeeds:

"I'm not bi-phobic - in fact, I love bisexual people so much, I wish there were more of them."

Anyone else got that sinking feeling?

In his latest piece about bisexuals at The Stranger, Dan makes a few good points:

• If more people (especially those in opposite-sex relationships) were out about being bi then bisexual invisibility would be less of a problem.
• People who aren't bisexual using it as a cover for their homosexuality lead to people thinking all bisexuality is a phase.
• There's probably more bisexual people than there are gay and lesbian people.

Sadly, and perhaps predictably, he misses the clue on a few things.

"I don't berate bi-identified teenage boys, I don't tell them they're not really bi, and I don't cruise around bi neighbourhoods looking for young bi guys to beat up. But I do know that a bi-identified 36-year-old is likelier to be bisexual than a bi-identified 16-year-old, and I resent being asked to pretend not to know it."

Which misses the point that he's telling them in the column that he thinks they're not bi. Regardless of how they'd identify in twenty years time:

• If you take them seriously then they'll know you respect them.
• If you don't take them seriously then they'll know you didn't respect them.

What does more damage here, faith or doubt? And who decides the difference between "says they're bisexual" and "is bisexual"? I think it should be them, not us. Not Dan.

He goes on:

"Most adult bisexuals, for whatever reason, wind up in opposite-sex relationships. And most comfortably disappear into presumed heterosexuality (including all three of my biggest bisexual antagonists—what are the odds?!)."

He thinks people want him to keep quiet on this like he's uncovered a secret conspiracy or some sort of seedy truth about the true nature of bisexuality. But it's not - it's simply maths about the dating pool; there's more "looking for opposite sex" people out there. He does this despite using figures in the same article that claim 1.7% of the US population is LG, to 1.8% B. So, with over 96% of the population uninterested in dating someone of the same sex it's not surprising that the people attracted to more than one gender find that the people attracted to them are usually of the opposite gender. What are the odds indeed!

Disappearing into presumed heterosexuality isn't their fault, either. Society's assumption is that any mixed-sex couple is straight. I suspect Dan's assumption is that every same-sex couple he sees on the scene is gay. I do agree that if more people were out then this would be less of an issue, but being "incidentally out" about being bi is incredibly hard. The weight of the assumptions is immense, and just as not all gay people want to wear rainbows and triangles all the time, bisexual people shouldn't have to either.

This leads to the other point he (perhaps wilfully) misses:

"Bisexual activists like to complain that they're the most oppressed because (1) it's a contest, and (2) it's a good excuse. If they can argue—and unfortunately, they can—that lots of gay people are mean to them (some gay people don't want to date them, some gay people doubt they exist) and straight people are mean to them (some straight people don't want to date them, some straight people doubt they exist), then bisexual people aren't to blame for the bisexual closet. Everyone else is.

And they have a point—but it's a self-serving, self-defeating point. Yes, lots of people judge and condemn and fear bisexuals. If those were good reasons to stay closeted, no gay or lesbian person would ever come out"

He's right that gay and lesbian people face fear, condemnation and judgement too. And he's right that more of them come out than bisexuals. But is that surprising when the gay community supports and encourages them, offers safe spaces, even careers to them? When I rang the London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard (way back when) to ask about bisexual groups, I was met with "Are you sure you're not gay? Bisexuality is normally just a phase!"

The gay community is slowly trying to live up to its new name "the LGBT community" but the fact remains that few people working in it think gays don't exist, or that all lesbians are lying. Coming out as gay or lesbian is still much more supported than coming out as bi. This is one very big reason bisexuals don't do it. It's not about wanting to win at oppression.

Dan ends, with condemnation and/or judgement, ironically:

"I'm sorry, bisexual activists, but you're doing it all wrong. Instead of berating me for my alleged bi-phobia—and if I'm the enemy, you're in real trouble—berate your closeted compatriots. If they all came out tomorrow, you could put an end to bi-phobia, take over the LGBT movement, and kick my ass out of it."

I don't think Dan is the enemy. His "It Gets Better" campaign is a force for good. And I do think he makes some good points, but he does also say some biphobic things even in this column about how he's not biphobic.

If we all came out tomorrow we could take over the LGBT movement (why would we want to?) and we could kick Dan Savage out of it (though we'd prefer he was just less wrong). But "if we all did X tomorrow" is a redundant exercise. We don't. No-one does.

Each person who comes out does so as an individual, not as part of a tide. The reception we face is based on the people around us, the support and respect we receive is based on that too. While events like BiCon can provide a sense of community, I think it's exceedingly unfair to suggest that it's our all own fault the gay community looks down on us while expecting us to rush to come out.

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Dan's full article, with extensive comments section is here: The Stranger