Touch-starved, but don’t touch me.

Trigger Warning: Sexual abuse

Consent means a lot to me; as a survivor of abuse and violence, there have been far too many times in my life when I was touched without my permission.  Touching used to be the start - invasive fingers and sexual organs being forced on me often followed next.  Abusive people look like ordinary folks, because they are.  There are few abusers who look like monsters from horror stories - they are people who live next door, who stand beside you at the bus stop, and who live with you under the same roof.

I have had no voice in the past.  Selective Mutism and fear of additional punishment usually meant I knew I could never say “No,” and even if I did try to stop them, my actions and my pleas were ignored.

I have a voice now.  When an adult comes toward me with arms wide open, hands raised, my mind, fractured and scarred from twenty years of abuse, doesn’t think ‘hug’.  My mind thinks ‘DANGER’.  I am touch starved, but it doesn't mean I want people touching me without permission.  I want to be asked, “Would you like a hug?” Or “May I hug you?”  And I want my answer to be respected.  For there is a small part of me - a frightened child who takes over when I am distressed.  I freeze, my voice changes, and I get prepared to strike back.  All of that changes if my consent is asked for first.  Yet it seems impossible for many people to understand that.  

Here in the U.K, people are usually quite reserved.  But I’ve noticed that when it comes to those perceived as women, especially if black, we don’t get to have a say in how we are touched.  We are presumed to be open and here for everyone’s use, but never for our own.  This needs to change right now.  So the next time you want to express affection or joy toward another person, ASK THEM FIRST.  Consent isn’t just about sex.  Consent before embracing, bear hugging or picking someone up and swinging them around with joy, may seem needlessly polite to you.  But that’s the thing - it isn’t just about you.  Consider the other person who may have emotional/mental/physical issues that make it a bad idea.  Show you can be a good friend to them.  Ask them first.