Bisexual and over 50 4: Lynnette
Posted in57 varieties Ageing Bi and over 50 Bi Community coming out Invisibility Women

Bisexual and over 50 4: Lynnette

Here's the latest in the series of email interviews with bi people over 50. Other potential interviewees always welcome - do get in touch!

Each of the "interviews" is written by the individuals concerned, with the questions in bold coming from me.

*****
My name is Lynnette McFadzen and I live in Portland, Oregon, USA. I am a 57 year-old single white cis-gendered woman with three daughters and four grandchildren. I am single and, at the moment, celibate.


I am disabled but have had many occupations in the past, from nursing to chainsaw chain packaging. The packaging job is where I lost most of my hearing but it really started way before then. After the death of my estranged husband and my mother, I had my biggest breakdown and attempted suicide. That time I sought help. I spent the next 10 years healing and figuring out why my life was so dysfunctional. There was no room for relationships during that time.


How did you come to think of yourself as bisexual?

          

Last year I had finished my second round of chemo for Hepatitis C that I probably contracted as a nurse in my 20s. Not that it is important where I got it - Hep C is non-discerning. The first round failed so I spent a total of two years in treatment. That's a lot of down time to think.


At the end I felt ready to try dating and my old demons re-emerged. I found women attractive. I always had. My first crush was on Audrey Hepburn and I had a series of “girl crushes” throughout my life. But I truly believed all the lies I had been told about bisexuality.I spent the best part of my life proving to myself I was heterosexual and somehow broken and wrong inside. I know that was a contributing factor to my depression and suicide attempts. I really believed my loved ones would be better off without my evilness. What saved me was realizing I could not leave the legacy of suicide to my children and grandchildren. My father had done that to me.


I had never really acted on my same attractions but once and it was a disaster. But with the help of good friends and family I began to learn bisexuality was not what I thought. I turned to the LGBT community and was met with disdain, coolness or outright hostility. I was shocked and disheartened.


So I searched for a bisexual community and eventually was able to find it online. I made good supportive friends with similar stories and similar struggles with internalized biphobia. Through this I was able to accept that, yes I am bisexual. But it took some searching And the search engines at the time were not much help.


It also spurred me to help others like me who felt lost and alone and confused to find and build their support, and realize they can be proud. And have a community of their own since I am limited physically I decided to learn to podcast. And with friends and volunteers we created The BiCast. A podcast for the bisexual community. 


What does being bisexual mean to you?


It means being a complete whole person with no internal shame or feeling of wrongness. Of understanding myself. It means being at peace with me. It has really to do with sex and everything to do with self love. And knowing that just because I am bisexual it doesn't alter my moral compass at all


How has this changed over the years?

I just came out last year. Doing that to myself was the biggest issue. The climate is changing for the general public perception of bisexuality. But the biggest reason I could not accept sooner that I was bisexual was because of what most people believed as I grew up and many still do. That it is a lifestyle choice, that you are shallow, indecisive, hypersexual, liars and all round morally bankrupt. It is changing, but not fast enough for me.


What do other people in your life know about your bisexuality and how do they react?


Everyone knows I'm bi. It's part of being on a podcast about bisexuality. My family and friends are totally supportive. I am blessed with a diverse and loving family and have been fortunate to find amazing people as friends. I am a lucky one. I am in a really safe place.


Looking back over your life so far, is there anything you wish you’d done differently?


I wish sometimes I had come to terms with this at a much earlier age. That I may have dismissed a good relationship as a possibility based on gender. That I had not tortured myself for no reason at all.

I get a bit melancholy but then remember it gives me a better appreciation of the happiness I have now.


What about your hopes or fears for the future (regarding bisexuality)?


Truthfully, I want to see how all bisexuals are treated change, and help others understand they are OK.


Any words of wisdom for younger bi people – or older ones?


For both really. Don't believe what you are told. Find out your own truth. Stay strong.


YOU ARE NOT WRONG. YOU ARE NOT BROKEN. YOU DESERVE RESPECT.YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING. YOU ARE BISEXUAL.


Would you like to help combat bi erasure and increase the visibility of bisexual people over 50? There are plenty of us out there, but far too many people don’t know that.


I am looking for other individuals over 50 who would like to contribute their “email interviews”, as Lynnette has done here. For more about what to do, look at this post. 


Thanks.



আমার উভকামিতা: খালাতো বোনের প্রতিক্রিয়া
Posted inbangla bisexuality coming out family islam LGBTQ bangladesh

আমার উভকামিতা: খালাতো বোনের প্রতিক্রিয়া

আমার দৃষ্টিকোণ  

আমি যদি কখনো বলতে চাই যে আমি কারোর সাথে বড় হয়েছি, তাহোলে আমার এই খালাতো  বোনের কথা বলতে হয়। আমাদের বয়সের পার্থক্য মাত্র দু বছর (ও বড়), এবং খুব ছোটবেলায় আমরা কয়েক বছর একসাথে কাটিয়েছি। বাংলাদেশের অনেকটাই আমি দেখি ওর চোখ দিয়ে। আমাদের বরাবর অনেক ঘনিষ্টতা: আমরা দুজনেই পরিবারে বড় সন্তান, সবকিছু অন্য সবার আগে করে এসেছি।বড় হওয়ার পর একে-অন্যের গোপন কথা রক্ষা করে এসেছি। ও বরাবরই আধুনিক বাংলাদেশের সাথে আমার সংযোগ - যে বাংলাদেশের সাথে আমার মা-বাবা, বিশেষ করে আমার বাবা, কখনই আমাকে পরিচয় করিয়ে দিতে পারেনি।

ওকে আমার উভকামিতার কথা বলতে অনেক দিন লেগে যায় কারণ কিছু মানুষকে এটা সামনা-সামনি বলা দরকার, এবং ও ছিল তাদের একজন। আমি ওকে অবশেষে বলার সুযোগ পাই আমার ভার্সিটি শেষ হওয়ার পরের গ্রীষ্মের ছুটিতে। আমি অনেক আগেই বুঝি যে ওর LGBT মানুষের প্রতি বিশেষ কোন বিরুপতা নেই - এমনকি আমি প্রথম বাংলাদেশী LGBT মানুষের কথা শুনি ওরি কাছ থেকে। যেমন ওর স্কুলে নাকি একজন পুরুষালী লেজ্বিয়ান ছিল যার যৌনতা কারোর কাছে তেমন কোন বড় ব্যাপার ছিল না। আমি ওর কাছ থেকে যখন-তখন এই ধরনের এক দুই কথা শুনতাম, কিন্ত এই কথাগুলো ও যখনই বলত না কেন সেটা কোন ওর মুখে ঘৃন্না বা অপ্রীতি ছিল না। আমি বসে বসে এসব খুব মনোযোগ দিয়ে শুনতাম, কারণ তখন এ পৃথিবীটা আমার নাগালের বাইরে। কিন্ত কয়েক বছর পরে এসে আমার উভকামিতার কথা ওকে বলতে গিয়ে এসব উধারণ নিজেকে মনে করিয়ে সান্তনা দিতে কষ্ট হচ্ছিলো। অন্য একজন ক্লাসমেটের যৌনতা নিয়ে ওর সমস্যা না থাকলেও, নিজের ভাইয়ের ব্যাপারে কি ঠিক সে একই কথা প্রযোজ্য? কাছের মানুষ হোলে অনেক কিছুই মানতে কষ্ট হয়।


আমার চিন্তার কারণগুলো নিয়ে আমি আগেও অনন্য পোস্টে লিখেছি - ধার্মিক অথবা সামাজিক ভিত্তিতে যৌনতাকে খারাপ চোখে দেখা। আমার চিন্তা ছিলো যে ও হয়তো "ঠিকাছে কিন্তু শুধু মেয়েদের ডেট কোরো" বা এই ধরনের অন্য কোন কথা বলবে। তবে আমি খামাখাই চিন্তা করছিলাম - ও এরক্ষম কোন প্রতিক্রিয়াই দেখায়নি সেদিন। বরং ওকে বলার পর ও বেশ হাস্যকর ভাবে ফ্রিজ হয়ে যাওয়া রোবোটের ভান করল, আর তারপর বলল ওকে একটু ভাবতে দিতে। আমার ছোট ভাই, যে তখন আমাদের সাথে ছিল দরকারে আমাকে সমর্থন দেওয়ার জন্য, অপেক্ষা না করতে পেরে পাঁচ মিনিটের মাথায় জিজ্ঞেস করে বসলো যে ভাবা শেষ হয়েছে নাকি। আমাদের বোন হেসে বলল না, এখনও ৬৬% বাকি। কিন্ত আমি বুঝি যে ওর হালকা আচরণের পিছনে ও আসলেই ভাবছে, এবং এ ভাবনা নিয়ে ও আমাকে বাকি দিন ও সাসপেন্স রাখে। 

আমার ভাগ্য ভালো যেয়ে রাত হতে হতে ওর চিন্তা-ভাবনা ৯০% শেষ হয়ে আসে। আমরা এ পর্যায় আমার জীবন, প্রেম ও ভবিষ্যত নিয়ে কথা শুরু করি। আমি যেয়ে অন্য ছেলেদের মতন না সেটা নাকি ও বরাবরই খেয়াল করে আসছে - বিশেষ করে আমি যেহেতু আমাদের সমাজের প্রথাগত নিয়ম-কারণ মেনে চলিনা। ও মোটামোটি অন্য বাংলাদেশীরা সাধারণত যে পরামর্শ দেয় আমাকে যৌনতা নিয়ে সেটাই পুনরাবৃত্ত করলো। বলল বেশির ভাগ মানুষ, এমনকি আমার মা-বাবাও হয়ত বলবে যে আমার উভকামিতা মানসিক রোগ। আমার যৌনতার কথা মানতে তাদের অনেক কষ্ট হবে, যদি বা সেটা তারা কখনো মেনে নিতে পারে। আমি ভবিষ্যতে স্থায়ী ভাবে দেশে থাকতে পারব নাকি সে নিয়েও ও প্রশ্ন তুলল, এবং আমি যখন ওকে বললাম যে আমি খোলাখোলি আমার যৌনতার প্রকাশ করে দেশে থাকতে চাই ও আমার নিরাপত্তার কথা তুলল। তবে এসব প্রশ্নের জবাব আমাদের সেদিন যেমন ছিল না, আজও নেই।    

যতদুর মনে পরে ওই দিনই আমাদের শেষ বিস্তারিত কথা হয় আমার যৌনতা নিয়ে। এবং তারপর থেকে আমাদের সম্পর্ক খুব সামন্যই পাল্টিয়েছে। যেমন আমি এখন যদি ওকে আমার ডেটিং এর কথা বলি ওকে তবে মেয়ে, ছেলে সবার কথাই খুলে বলি। আর আমাদের যদি বাংলাদেশ নিয়ে কথা হয় তাহলে রাজনীতি ও সমাজযের সাথে LGBT বিষয়ক কথা হয়। মাঝে মধ্যে LGBT মানুষের প্রতি অন্য বাংলাদেশীদের বেশ মজার প্রতিক্রিয়ার গল্প শুনি ওর কাছে। গত কয়েক মাস ধরে ও ভার্সিটি আর থিসিস নিয়ে বেশ বেস্ত, তাই আজকাল ওকে আমি একটু কম জালাই। তবে এ বছরের শেষে আমি দেশে যাচ্ছি, এবং আবার আমাদের দেখা হবে। এই কয়েক বছরে আমার জীবনে অনেক অগ্রগতি হয়েছে এবং এর ফল ওকে দেখাতে পারলে আমার খুব ভালো লাগবে। এই সবকিছুর অনেকটার জন্য ওই দায়ী। 


ওর দৃষ্টিকোণ 

LGBT - আমি আসলে কখনই এই শব্দটি সম্পর্কে চিন্তা করি নি বা মনোযোগ দেই নি ... এটা অপ্রাসঙ্গিক ছিল। যতক্ষণ পর্যন্ত না আমি জানতে পারলাম আমার নিজের খালাতো ভাই উভকামী!! আমরা একসঙ্গে বড় হয়েছি। সে সবসময় আমাদের বয়স অন্যান্য ছেলেদের থেকে একটু ভিন্ন ছিল। আমরা মুসলিম এবং বাংলাদেশী; সুতরাং, এটা সে যে অন্যদের চেয়ে ভিন্ন ছিল এটা আমার কখনই মনে হয় নি; বরং অন্যান্য ছেলেদের আমার ব্যতিক্রম মনে হত। মনে হত সব ছেলেদের ওর মত হওয়াই  স্বাভাবিক - পোষাক সম্পরকে মন্তব্য, রান্নাএ আগ্রহী। বড় হওয়ার সাথে সাথে ভাবতে শুরু করলাম , আমার ভাই বলে আমার সাথে তার আচরণ হয়ত এমন।

B.......I.......S.......E..........X..........U..........A.........L 

খুব সহজ ভাবে সে আমাকে বলল, "আমি উভকামী " এবং আমার কিছুক্ষণ এর জন্য স্তম্ভিত হয়ে গেছিলাম । কি বলব ... কি বলা উচিৎ কিছু ই বুঝছিলাম না। আমার প্রথম প্রতিক্রিয়া ছিল ভাল কথা কিন্তু এটা কি করে সম্ভব?? এটা স্বপ্ন না বুঝতে আমার একটি পুরো দিন লাগে। তারপর আমি কিছু দিনের জন্য পুরো পরিস্থিতি সম্পর্কে চিন্তা করি। তারপর আমি বুঝতে পেরেছি; এতে শুধু সময় নষ্ট হচ্ছে।  

আমাদের ধর্ম নাকি LGBT সমর্থন করে না। কিন্তু আমাদের ধর্মে এটাও লেখা আছে যে যারা পরিবারকে অস্বিকার করে তাদের জন্য বেহেস্তের দরজা বন্দ। অনেক মা-বাবা আত্মীয়-স্বজন তাদের কর্তব্য পালন করতে ব্যার্থ হয় কেন? কারণ যার প্রতি তাদের দায়িত্ব সে LGBT। কিন্ত LGBT তো কেউ বেছে নায় না - এটা  তার প্রানের গভীরের সত্য। আমার ভাই তো সবসময় আমার ভাই থাকবে এবং তা কক্ষনই পরিবর্তন হবে না। সুতরাং, সে যেমন ই হক না কেন; আমি অবশ্যই তাকে সমর্থন করবো। হয়ত একদিন সমকামী শব্দের অস্তিত্ব থাকবে না; বরং সবাইকে সমান মানুষ হিসেবে বিবেচনা করা হবে।
Coming Out to…the Closest Cousin
Posted inbangladesh bisexuality coming out english family islam LGBTQ bangladesh

Coming Out to…the Closest Cousin

My Thoughts

If I can claim I ever grew up with someone, it would be her. Just two years apart in age (she's older), we spent our very early childhood together. My relationship with her is one that colours my impressions of Bangladesh quite strongly. We are, in my mind, part of the original set: the firstborns and the trailblazers. As such, I've always felt solidarity with her, and we've been each other's intermittent confidantes whenever our lives have intersected. She's taught me a lot about our religion, starting with the rules of prayer to various other aspects overlooked by mechanised religious education. She always was and continues to be my gateway to contemporary Bangladesh - a world which my parents, my father especially, have never been able to connect me to. She was one of those people I took so long to tell because it had to be done face to face. I finally did it the summer after I finished university, during those last few months of freedom at home before I left to start my job in the UK. 

I knew she had no qualms about LGBT people - in fact my first stories about LGBTQ Bangladesh came from her. There was the story of the butch lesbian at her school, for example, who's sexuality was apparently an open and unremarkable secret. All she ever told me were snippets rather than complete narratives, but they were all woven into our daily conversations without malice or condemnation. I would lap it all up, the stories of a world that back then was closed to me. Fast forward a few years though, and those few non-judgemental snippets seemed like shaky ground to stand on as I told her. I feared her rejection - not an outright rejection but the not-in-my-own-backyard kind of rejection. Just because she's cool with a classmate's sexuality doesn't mean she'll be cool with mine. It hits harder when it's someone close.


The sources of my worry were the usual - any religious condemnation and possibly some cultural misunderstanding. I wondered if she'd take the "it's okay but" line of thought, and try and encourage me to be "better" by dating women. She didn't. Instead she did a comical and over-exaggerated imitation of a robot freezing, before telling me she needed some time to process and I should check back with her later. My little brother, who was there for support, laughed at her reaction and gave it all of five minutes before asking if she was done. She smiled and let him know she was at 33%. I could see that behind the comedy she was taking this seriously, and I got a little worried as she decided to leave me in suspense with this tactic for the rest of the day. 

Thankfully, by nightfall she was at 90%. Not all there, but enough for us to start talking about my love live and what my sexuality meant for the future. She told me she'd always known that I wasn't like the other boys - apparently I was interested in too many things outside the gender stereotype. Her advice to me was straightforward and similar to what I get from most Bangladeshis. She warned me that people, including my parents, would probably think of my bisexuality as an illness. They'd find it very difficult to accept, if indeed they ever did. She questioned my ability to settle down in Bangladesh in the long term, and brought up the issue of safety when I said I wanted to be out and open one day.

That day was probably the last day we talked about my sexuality in any detail. And our relationship hasn't really changed since. I tell her about the other halves that have come and gone as I've always done, except I include the men too now. When we talk about Bangladesh, the local politics and society, we sometimes touch upon queer issues too. I have from her, if anyone is interested, a few very amusing anecdotes to share about Bangladeshi people's reactions to LGBT lives. She's been very busy with university and her thesis recently so I try not to bother her too much. I am, however, really looking forward to seeing her again at the end of this year. I've come so far since that day and those conversations. After all, I owe quite a bit of that progress to her.


Her Thoughts



LGBT - never actually paid attention or even thought about this term. To me…it was irrelevant. Well, until I found out that my own cousin brother is bisexual. 

We grew up together, me and my brother. All that time, he always acted different from other boys of our age. I am a Muslim; also a Bengali. So, it never occurred to me that he was the one who is different; rather I wondered why the other boys were not like him. Commenting on dress up and get up, interested in cooking. Until a certain age, I thought that all boys should be like him. As I grew older, I thought he just acts like that because he is my brother.

B……I………S………E…………X…………U…………A………L. 

He told me very firmly “I am bisexual”. And to me, it was like….. okay…what…what is this supposed to mean?? What?? He is not joking. My brain flinched…I had nothing to say…I just froze. Not in fear but I was shocked. How is this even possible??

Well that was my first reaction.

It took me a whole day to realize that I was not dreaming. Then I thought about the whole situation, over and over - for some days. Then I realized; it is just waste of time. No matter what, he is and will always be my brother. And that’s never going to change, anyway. So, why bother. 

I heard that our religion does not support LGBT. But it also says to respect relationships. We are told that those who cuts ties with their relatives are banned from heaven. Many parents or relatives throw away their responsibility from a person just because they are not straight. It’s not a choice people can make; it’s who they are, deep inside. 

I respect my brother, for the courage he has shown. And no matter what, I will definitely support him. Also those, who are frightened and hiding their true desire. May be some day there won’t be existence of the term LGBT; rather everyone will be considered as equal human.
Coming Out to…the Little Brother
Posted inagnosticism bisexuality coming out english family

Coming Out to…the Little Brother

My Thoughts



Growing up, I was always aware that my parents wanted me to respect certain Bangladeshi cultural boundaries. I had no interest in doing this, but I toed the party line nevertheless for fear of the consequences. Whenever I did do anything against their wishes, it was either done in a clandestine manner or accompanied by lots of cajoling and placating. My little brother, on the other hand, has always taken a different approach to the parents – pretending that he is completely unaware of their expectations, culturally or otherwise. This has let him go and do whatever he wants, and feign ignorance later to avoid the consequences.


Given the directions I have seen him take socially, culturally and religiously – he's liberal, practical and agnostic – I've never really thought that he'd have a problem with my bisexuality. I'd wondered if he'd find the gay sex part of it a little icky, but nothing more than that. I believed he was a product of his time – educated enough via contemporary narrative to know that there is nothing wrong, morally or medically, with same-sex attractions. Additionally, his agnosticism assured me that he wouldn't espouse any Islamic prejudice. My concerns had actually always skewed towards the more circumstantial side of the situation. He still lives with my parents, and back when I told him, he was going to be doing so for another 2 years before leaving. He was and still is preparing for university, which is hard work. On top of this, he has major ideological differences with the parents, and this makes his living situation even more stressful. I didn't want to add to his burden by telling him about my bisexuality and the issues it brought up. And of course, there was the tiny, tiny worry of what would happen if he did end up reacting negatively. My brother is one of the closest people to me in the world, so even the slightest possibility of rejection made me doubt myself.


However, I've become quite the expert at swallowing my doubts and ploughing on. During a winter holiday we were both spending with the best friend, I hinted at my desire to 'experiment' with a man in casual conversation. He's quite close to the best friend so I knew she could create a buffer if he reacted badly. His reaction was mostly bewilderment though, and I left it at that. The following summer holiday was when I next mentioned my bisexuality. I broached the subject of attractions with him while we were gaming in the den, but backtracked because of the concerns I voiced in the last paragraph. I told myself I was building him up to it, so I should see this as yet another small step in the right direction. But within a few hours I got annoyed at the dithering so I changed my mind, went into his room and told him. And that was it. There was a very minimal reaction. He said he wasn't surprised, that the hints had worked and he had no issue with it. The fact that the parents wouldn't take it too well was discussed. I informed him that I was slowly telling other friends and family at a pace comfortable to me, and hoped eventually to tell them too. He shrugged. I didn't mind - his support was always implied. Don't mistake his apparent apathy for an actual lack of empathy. He's probably the most pro-LGBTQ friend/family member I have created by the way of my coming out. I've discovered him challenging the prejudice of random people in various situations, more so than anyone else I've discussed my sexuality with. 

My coming out has made us closer, and now I can include him in all the aspects of my life. That positive energy has more than anything offset any burden my 'secret' would have left on him, and I am immensely lucky to have someone like him in my life.

His Thoughts


When my brother came out to me, the situation was as follows: I was in my room sitting on my bed, reading or looking at something, I can’t really remember. My brother comes and says, without further ceremony, “The person I’m going to be dating this summer is a guy.”  I look up with a bland face and say “I see.” A moment’s pause. “So you’re bisexual then?” to which my brother responds with a simple “Yup.”

I can’t imagine the scenario in any other way. I tend to take these emotional things with a degree of apathy that some might consider borderline offensive. It’s not malice, it’s just that sexuality to me has never been a big issue. To me, homosexual relationships aren’t wrong, weird, or unnatural, it’s just different. So what if a guy gets turned on by another guy? Or if he gets turned on by both men and women? What’s it to me? It doesn’t harm me, and don’t tell me it results in less children because the last thing the planet needs is more people – certainly not people that think we need even more babies, the wretched creatures. It results in people being happier, as they are able to enjoy a relationship with a person they truly want to be with. Life is hard as it is; let’s not make it harder by enforcing outdated social rules. There are enough fake couples in school.

I first suspected, or considered, as “suspected” implies different sexual orientations are crimes, that my brother was gay or at least partially fancied men by his acute ability to distinguish whether they were attractive or not. I couldn’t do it, not because I felt that trying to distinguish attractive men would make me gay, I simply couldn’t do it, yet my brother could, without fail. The second time I considered his sexual orientation was during a trip with his best friend. We were huddled in a room, eating cupcakes and talking about…I can’t remember, something to do with sex? It’s always to do with sex. Anyways, my brother announced that he’d like sleep with a guy, and that it’d something cool to try out, to which I responded “If you want to be bisexual, then you are bisexual! Haha!” but nothing never truly came of it. The last instance, for which I actually now feel bad, is when we were in the house’s den, playing PS3 maybe? He asked me “Hey, can I tell you something? It’s a big issue and I hope you won’t be weighed down by it.” I simply looked in his direction and mumbled something along the lines of “Um, it’s fine by me…”. It was at that moment my thoughts solidified regarding my brother’s sexuality and looking back, I was an insensitive little cunt for brushing it off the way I did.

Now however, I try to play a more active role regarding these issues. When I see the absolutely stupid reasons for which the LGBT community is oppressed, I cringe inside. I make it point to drive in the fact I fully support the LGBT community despite being straight; as to me it’s a slap in the face for those who try deem them as freaks.
Coming Out to…the Youngest Aunt
Posted inbangladesh bisexuality coming out english family islam

Coming Out to…the Youngest Aunt


I've always worried about coming out to older Bangladeshis. LGBTQ issues don't even seem to exist for them, so how can they be understanding of my sexuality? But I guess you never know till you try.

This post is about my aunt who lives in the States. Earlier this year I flew over to hers as I'd not seen her in half a decade, and I came out to her while I was there. It was unlikely I'd be able to do it face to face any other time in the near future, so I thought I should take the chance. She is the first and currently only Bangladeshi over a certain age to whom I have revealed my bisexuality to. She doesn't know about this blog, and so right now I can only write about my point of view. Hopefully one day that'll change, and I'll be able to share her thoughts as well.


My aunt was born and brought up in Bangladesh. She is a religious Muslim woman in her late thirties who prays five times a day. Make of that what you will. She is also a thinking woman, a scientist and a person who relies on logic and reason in a manner that the world could learn from. We were close while I was growing up. She was still at university when I was in school and this made her feel young and approachable. She is openly liberal, and accepting of the fact that my peripatetic upbringing has made me different. She always acknowledged that said upbringing meant I was not the traditional Bangladeshi son my parents once wanted me to be. Most importantly, she also asserted that this was completely fine. This made me feel that there was someone in my corner, something that was often missing during my childhood.

She eventually left Bangladesh to live, study and work across Asia and America. These experiences have made her, in her own words, different now – although I would personally argue she has always been different. All of this made me think she would be the ideal first candidate to come out to amongst my older relatives. If things went well, she could become an ally. If things went badly, I couldn’t imagine her telling my parents or setting out to harm me in any way. Nevertheless, the actual act of explaining my bisexuality to her was a daunting experience. I was planning to spend almost ten days with her family, and I had already decided to let the first half go by as a normal holiday. The day I eventually did decide to tell her, the baby cousin got sick. The day after my uncle decided to come home early and take us out to dinner. The day after that my aunt decided to have a massive migraine, but by now I was going crazy so I decided to hell with the headache.

I told her we needed to talk, and so we sat down and talked. Same-sex marriage had actually come up a few days earlier on the news, and her own commentary on it had left me a little nervous. She had said that physical pleasure had many forms, which was no big deal, but had questioned its need to be validated through marriage. I made the point about the emotional aspect of a same-sex relationship, she hmm-ed and didn’t press the argument further. Now, we had the entire conversation. Hours of it. In a way, it helped that I was bisexual. I can be emotionally and physically attracted to a woman in the same way I can be attracted to man. This duality actually seemed to make it easier for her to understand. I put it to her in other ways too. I can be attracted to a man a same way she can – we experience the same spectrum of feelings and emotions.

She accepted that a variety of attractions can exist. She didn’t need the cliched question of “when did you choose to be straight” posed to her. But she did want an explanation of the origins of sexuality, biologically speaking. I didn’t have an exact answer and frankly I don't think anyone definitively does at this time. I mentioned various studies that I had read of, including one relating to higher female fertility being directly proportional to a greater number of gay men in a family. She countered that these studies ultimately proved nothing as correlation does not prove causation. She offered the explanation espoused by her friends in Bangladeshi medical circles – the idea that same-sex attraction was a mental disorder. I questioned their qualification to comment on mental health given that this was not their specialisation. I also asked her if she thought I had a mental disorder. I don’t think she believed I had, but was rather setting me up for what I’d face in Bangladesh. I was glad that she was willing to communicate openly and unflinchingly.

We even briefly covered the thorny issue of Islam and its stance on non-heterosexuality. The conversation was actually quite tentative on both sides. Neither of us could claim any great amount Islamic knowledge, me even less so than her. My aunt admitted that she was becoming less certain of what is sold to us by the status quo, from an Islamic perspective at least, as right and wrong. She mentioned the usual obstacles to seeking more knowledge, like her inability to speak Arabic and the need to rely on translations of the Quran and questionable Hadith. She expressed her frustration with not being able to question the validity of scripture others quoted to her, or indeed quote scripture back. To this end, she asked me about a rather popular 'Hadith' used to condemn homosexuality and usually worded as: “when a man mounts a man, the throne of Allah shakes.” Now, I haven't ever been able to find a chain of transmission for this Hadith. Not that the internet knows everything, but I've never seen it backed up with thorough references and contextual information. This is scary given how commonly it's touted online, even to the point that my aunt would ask me about it.

She set about asking a few more practical questions. Who else knew that I was bisexual? Did I talk about it a lot? Did people in Bangladesh know? Her tone implied that she thought I should keep it quiet. I think this was partly because she wasn't completely comfortable with it herself, although she maintained it was because it could put me in harm's way. But I've left behind that phase of hiding for a long time now. All of my close friends know, in Bangladesh and elsewhere. Younger members of the family know, as do many colleagues and acquaintances in the UK and around the world. I told her as much, and she pursed her lips and glared at me. This made me laugh a little. I knew that look – she was annoyed with me. But I knew she would help me deal with things, if things were to ever happen.

The conversation then took a lighter and bizarrely amusing turn. She asked me if sexuality was indeed genetic, who did I think were the other queer folk in our extended family? And then she rattled through all the possibilities. Was it the cousin who'd not gotten herself a boyfriend yet? Or was it the uncle who's marriage had broken down in divorce? Or was it was the one who'd resisted getting married for years on end? Or maybe it was the other cousin who'd never gotten married at all! All of this speculation really did make me laugh. But I had to wonder, with such a large extended family, surely someone else out there isn't heterosexual?
She asked me about my relationships, and if I was dating. When I said yes, she asked me if I slept with everyone I dated, being carefully gender neutral with the word “everyone” in Bengali. This I loved. At the same time, I wondered where she was coming from. Was she uncomfortable with the idea of promiscuity, or the idea of gay sex specifically? Did she think I was dating, or just hooking up? I thought it would be better to clarify my approach to dating – which really meant meeting someone to hopefully establish a meaningful relationship with. That meant a lot of forgettable first dates, or even second and third dates that went nowhere. I was honest about how I did things – I wouldn't jump into bed with someone if I didn't think things were headed somewhere. So no, no promiscuity, but yes, gay sex is implied. Trying to gauge her feelings, I asked her if it mattered to her who I brought home. She was frank. She said she needed time to get used to my bisexuality. For now, she'd encourage me to bring a girl home. It would make my life easier, and it would be easier for her to accept at present. But what if I brought a guy home? Well, she was sure one day she would accept him too. Which is all I needed to hear really, as one day I may be counting on her to be a stand in for my parents.