Bi and nearly 50 1: Laura

Bi and nearly 50 1: Laura

Due to popular demand, I have expanded the remit of this blog series to include people who are nearly 50. There are even more of us out there!

As before, the questions in bold come from me. Otherwise, all the words are from the interviewees themselves.

***

I am Laura, 48, female, chronically sick from Ehlers Danlos, living in the USA since February 2013, in The Netherlands before that.

I am married to a woman, since May 2013. From 1986 till 2005 I was with a man and had two children with him.


How did you come to think of yourself as bisexual?
I have always had crushes on boys AND girls. Sexuality in The Netherlands is not a taboo and certainly not in my family. When I told my mother that I was seeing a girl, my first sort-of-relationship when I was 16, it got accepted without any word of surprise. When I got my first real relationship with a boy at 18, that was no subject of discussion either. I don’t even remember when I started calling it bisexuality, I do know that when I dated that girl it was not a word I used. And it did not change for me during the years.


Has this changed over the years, and if so how?
After my first girlfriend I had a few sexual experiences with girls but after that I met my boyfriend, later husband, and stayed with him for almost 20 years. After that I started dating again, but by then I had a chronic illness and the responses of the men I dated was horrifying. The last date ended with the guy asking: “But what if I want to go out on Friday evening and you are tired?” and that’s when I decided I’d had it with men. So I contemplated: how about dating women. And that was quite a step. Because I knew I was interested sexually and I knew I could fall in love, but having a relationship with a woman? And I didn’t want to date women and then have to tell them, no sorry, I’d like a night with you but a relationship no thanks... But I took the step  and never looked back. I met my present wife, by the way, very unconventionally, via Farm Ville on Facebook.... She was a new neighbor, saw my pic, thought hm ho, asked me if I needed something for FV and after the second talk we were both hooked.


When I was dating, many lesbians had atrocious statements on their profiles, like “if you’re bi, don’t even bother dropping me a note, I won’t even write you back”. The bi-hate is so big in the lesbian world. That was very very hurtful, and still is. They try to make it sound like just one of the many preferences they have, like preferring tall women, but it boils my blood. So lets not go there today.

What do other people in your life know about your bisexuality, and how do they react?
Here in the US I don’t know a lot of people, and since being gay is hard enough, I refrain from taking it one step further. When I started dating women after my divorce though, there were people who were sort of offended that they didn’t know that about me. Well, when I am with a man, you can’t TELL that I am bisexual. And if the subject doesn’t come up...


Looking back over your life so far, is there anything you wish you’d done differently?

Not in regards to my bisexuality, no.


What about your hopes or fears for the future (regarding bisexuality)?

I hope that the biphobia and bi-erasure will stop, certainly from within the LGBT-community.


Any words of wisdom for younger bi people – or older ones?

Don’t let others tell you what your bisexuality means for you. People like to think that they know better, but there’s only one person who knows you best: you!


Would you like to help combat bi erasure and increase visibility of bisexuals over 50 (or thereabouts)? There are plenty of us out there but far too many people don't know that.

I am looking for other individuals who would like to contribute their "email interviews" to this blog, as Laura has done here. For more information about what to do, take a look at this post.

Thanks.


Bis are not more evolved…

Bis are not more evolved…

One of the bi stereotypes / cliches that gets rolled out is that bisexuals are more evolved than other people. Cos, y'know, we see personality not gender or genitals. And by 'see' they mean fancy, or indeed intimately enjoy.Though that's a worrying def...
Bisexual and over 50 2: Jan

Bisexual and over 50 2: Jan

Here's the second in the series of "email interviews" with bi people over 50. There has been a lot of good reaction to this on social media, so many thanks! We are out there.

Each of these "interviews" is written by the individual concerned; the questions in bold come from me.

***
I'm Jan Steckel, 51, white, female, writer and former paediatrician. I live in a house in Oakland, California, USA, with my husband who is also bisexual.


How did you come to think of yourself as bisexual?

I’d had boyfriends since the eighth grade [aged 13] and assumed I was straight. Then, the summer before I turned 18, I sang in a band. I was falling in love with the lead guitarist, a man, when the drummer, a woman, asked me out. I made out with her that night and realized that I was bisexual, even though I ended up with the young man.


What does being bisexual mean to you?

It means I am sexually attracted to some people who are the same sex as I am and to some who are of a different sex from me.


Has this changed over the years, and if so, how?

Not much since I realized I was bi. It’s my gender identity that has changed instead. When I was a kid I thought I was a boy and that some mistake had been made. In college I wished I was a man. I was pretty dysphoric about my body’s curves, such as they were. I wanted the hard planes of a man’s body, and I wanted to love a man as another man. Almost all the fiction I wrote then was first person male, and my closest friends were male, too.


Now I’m comfortable with being female. As an adult, I was always more sexually attracted to women but had a tendency to fall in love with men. Since my recent menopause, I think I’ve become more attracted to women as well as to trans and nonbinary people and less attracted to men, though my attraction to my husband has remained constant.


What do other people in your life know about your bisexuality and how do they react?

Most people who know me know that I’m bi. I’m pretty out and loud about it, and have been for decades. Since my poetry book The Horizontal Poet won the 2012 Lambda Literary Award for Bisexual Nonfiction,  I pretty much lead my literary bio with that. One of my older female relatives told me angrily that by putting the fact that I was bisexual on the back of my book, I had disrespected my marriage to my husband, but most of my family has been pretty cool.

When I first came out to my mother, she was worried that if I ended up with a woman I wouldn’t have children, or my children would be screwed up. She got over that well before I was out of my childbearing years, I think, though in the end I didn’t have kids. My Dad was probably more uncomfortable at first than my Mom, but he’s pretty cool about it now. My brother’s always been fine about it.


It was definitely not cool, though, with many of my fellow physicians. That’s part of the reason I’m not in medicine anymore. Poets and writers are a lot more accepting.


My husband is bisexual, too, and it’s a pretty big part of our lives. We march every year in the bi contingent of the San Francisco Pride parade, and he hosts a social group called Berkeley BiFriendly where we met. We’ve both been published in bisexual anthologies and periodicals. I just had a short story come out in Best Bi Short Stories, and he has a painting being reproduced in a forthcoming anthology of work by bi men. Many of our friends are queer, so we get a lot of support from our community around it.


Looking back over your life so far, is there anything you wish you’d done differently?

I wish I had dated more women early on and had longer-lasting relationships with them. I was a little passive at first, waiting for people to pursue me instead of taking the initiative.


What about your hopes or fears for the future (regarding bisexuality)?

I belong to an online writing critique group where some jackass keeps attacking me every time I mention writing for bi periodicals or any honor I’ve got for bi writing. He accuses me of playing identity politics. My answer to that is that I’d be delighted not to need identity politics anymore. When discrimination against bisexual people goes away, then if people don’t want to label themselves according to their sexuality, fine. Until then I’m sticking to my label and making sure young people see plenty of bisexual characters in literature. I want young bisexually inclined people to see themselves reflected in what they read. I want them to have a peer group of other bisexual people, unlike me when I was coming up.


Any words of wisdom for younger bi people – or older ones?

Find a peer group of other bi people, even if it’s only online. Get support from them. Try to find a safe way to come out, even if it means moving to a city with a visible bi population. 





Would you like to help combat bi erasure and increase visibility of bisexuals over 50? There are plenty of us out there but far too many people don't know that. 

I am looking for other individuals who would like to contribute their "email interviews" to this blog, as Jan has done here. For more information about what to do, take a look at this post

Thanks.


Bi Yourself

Bi Yourself

Guest blog by Louise from SqueamishBikini about BiCon. Original here. Bisexual? Perhaps you're also polyamorous, or monogamous and with someone of another gender. Maybe you are asexual or misanthropic or…
Class and bisexuality

Class and bisexuality

Whenever we look at protected strands, for example code of conduct, BiCon guidelines and feminism or anti-racism discussions we seem to mention class. Most recently I've often seen words like intersectionality and privilege. I’m liking the feeling of trust I have with so many people that we are trying to be expressive and supportive and practical.

Intersectionality absolutely makes sense to me. We are part of many overlapping groups and all have a place in the unequal power landscape in each of the protected characteristics. Part of my learning is spotting my own place and that I’m in there and can label that and not just be the “normal” and others are “ethnic “ or old people or some labelled group. It makes sense that each of our personal environments are combinations and some things come to the fore in some places. I’m used to this happening being the “cyclist” or the “vegetarian” and the “bisexual”

I am a bit wary of this stuff. Partially I’m dealing with my own discomfort around being in the power-over position and acting following my prejudices and biases and harming other people. I need to go deal with that and certainly not expect people I am channeled to punch down towards to use their energy supporting me.

I’m aware of previous anti-oppression arguments and more importantly styles and (mis)representations. I’m aware of stereotyping and ridiculing of say radical feminists and how those conversations, newspapers and cartoons probably shape what I think of as history. I find myself avoiding aligning myself with a ridiculed group and thus are separated from them and we are divided. Humour can also sharply make great points, particularly about ourselves.

I then don’t want to expose my ignorance. I also have the unearned privilege of being able to choose not to spend my time correcting my historical understanding. Right now I’m choosing to focus on the present and future. I am OK being challenged on that choice.

I hope this will be a space to open up a little about my ignorance because it will help me work out how to change it and perhaps give a view into the process of change that others can analyse. I hope that people make an informed choice whether to read this and I do not take up space from the less privileged to muse over my privileged position.

So, in my ignorance I spot the term “multiple oppression” and it sounds a bit dated. Again, “dated” is a dismissal in my aim towards being modern. I know this isn't a thought out position and that is a problem. That noted, I’ll still say it rather than ignore it because it is a bit embarrassing and so perpetuate it. I also note the term “oppression bingo” and give it no more space than that.

I think that modelling lots of axes of oppression can be done to try to understand and change it (kyriarchy, My Gender Workbook spring to mind) and can also be good to get away from compartmentalising everything and losing cross domain learning and solidarity and ignoring intersections and so losing people in the gaps who are most hurt by this stuff.
I also wonder with any model to what extent it models reality, what it is for: what aspects of the world are we highlighting and comparing and putting together or differentiating and why. Is this pyramid supposed to correctly model everybody’s experience? If not, whose does it model and who is not included? Where’s the evidence of fit to the world? Does it fit for me and those I interact with? Also, is my mathematical and sciency tendency towards graphy models the best way to look at this stuff. It certainly isn't the only way and human social interactions can be described in prose and poetry and meditated over without words and form the powerful stuff of art and music and drama and fiction. The science white coat isn't the only thing to wear and I’m aware it is more embraced or more rejected by some as true.

I’m aware some people are more affected by some prejudices than others. Some seem to cause more harm at times than others and to different people. People have differing levels of knowledge and focus. I don’t want to pull energy from other fights for my struggles of personal interest. I am aware everyone has limited resources. I’m also aware my resources come partially from a history of oppression and unearned privilege and may be gained and used every day in ways that harm others.

I’ll admit right here that the word “privilege” passes my eyes and ears many days and doesn't engage with my brain. Partially that happens to any commonly used word: under/over definition as general semantics would say (a big part of how I interpret the world)

I reject single radix politics: that every problem comes down to one fundamental thing.

I read of that single root idea mainly from Marxism – that oppressions come from a more basic class struggle and capitalism is named. I find a certain brand of communist activist, while aligned with my thinking in some ways and when our aims intersect, really boring. I’m also highly critical of the idea that things not being right should be allowed or encouraged to build up to a sufficient head of steam to power a revolution. I and my world are not your cannon fodder. That said, I don’t think the economic and class status quo is OK, particularly for queers. Neither do I have a clear idea of how to fix that.

I’d like to know more about anarchist and feminist and Quaker and non-violence and other methods of building change so the ends and the means both do good and not harm.

So: the thing I was trying to get to when I started this: CLASS.

I hear class highlighted when we look through the lens of official protected characteristics and it isn't there. I hear it rejected with gusto both by people who reject socialism and people who want to keep an apolitical position and not take up term that favour the left.

I read older bi texts and there is an affinity with certain political parties. Then I read of accessibility and wanting a broad community and welcoming all. Then I read of important differences and oppressions being glossed over for the sake of unity or drama avoidance or the unacceptable being thrown under a bus for the rights of the already slightly more powerful. Then I read of history of homophobia from all parties and support from all and the struggle to rewrite and selectively highlight history to favour a favourite political position. Then I hear politics and think of pointless student posturing and then I think of politicians: Then I get angry and distracted or turned off an bored and I don’t want to so…

Back to CLASS.

I hear it strongly attached to race in US and international context.

I hear it from working class folks and people who work with them.

I know some of the places I've been and places I go are very class based. I probably get manipulated all of the time by advertisers trying to play on my class desires and fears.
I ask every now and then about reading on class and get few suggestions outside of Engels or blogs which are interesting but very US context based and also are blogs, not a collected and structured resource or marshalled teaching or argument like a good book. I also wonder if I’m making excuses not to engage.

I’m aware my own class background is a bit weird. I’m generally wary, and with good reason, of being labelled by others and so I’m also wary of asking others to tell me what class I am and what that means.

I've read Watching the English.

I want to read more and understand this more and talk about this more and understand my position in the landscape of class and what that means I do and have done to me and what I might want to change about all that.

What do I do now?

comment count unavailable comments
Class and bisexuality

Class and bisexuality

Whenever we look at protected strands, for example code of conduct, BiCon guidelines and feminism or anti-racism discussions we seem to mention class. Most recently I've often seen words like intersectionality and privilege. I’m liking the feeling of trust I have with so many people that we are trying to be expressive and supportive and practical.

Intersectionality absolutely makes sense to me. We are part of many overlapping groups and all have a place in the unequal power landscape in each of the protected characteristics. Part of my learning is spotting my own place and that I’m in there and can label that and not just be the “normal” and others are “ethnic “ or old people or some labelled group. It makes sense that each of our personal environments are combinations and some things come to the fore in some places. I’m used to this happening being the “cyclist” or the “vegetarian” and the “bisexual”

I am a bit wary of this stuff. Partially I’m dealing with my own discomfort around being in the power-over position and acting following my prejudices and biases and harming other people. I need to go deal with that and certainly not expect people I am channeled to punch down towards to use their energy supporting me.

I’m aware of previous anti-oppression arguments and more importantly styles and (mis)representations. I’m aware of stereotyping and ridiculing of say radical feminists and how those conversations, newspapers and cartoons probably shape what I think of as history. I find myself avoiding aligning myself with a ridiculed group and thus are separated from them and we are divided. Humour can also sharply make great points, particularly about ourselves.

I then don’t want to expose my ignorance. I also have the unearned privilege of being able to choose not to spend my time correcting my historical understanding. Right now I’m choosing to focus on the present and future. I am OK being challenged on that choice.

I hope this will be a space to open up a little about my ignorance because it will help me work out how to change it and perhaps give a view into the process of change that others can analyse. I hope that people make an informed choice whether to read this and I do not take up space from the less privileged to muse over my privileged position.

So, in my ignorance I spot the term “multiple oppression” and it sounds a bit dated. Again, “dated” is a dismissal in my aim towards being modern. I know this isn't a thought out position and that is a problem. That noted, I’ll still say it rather than ignore it because it is a bit embarrassing and so perpetuate it. I also note the term “oppression bingo” and give it no more space than that.

I think that modelling lots of axes of oppression can be done to try to understand and change it (kyriarchy, My Gender Workbook spring to mind) and can also be good to get away from compartmentalising everything and losing cross domain learning and solidarity and ignoring intersections and so losing people in the gaps who are most hurt by this stuff.
I also wonder with any model to what extent it models reality, what it is for: what aspects of the world are we highlighting and comparing and putting together or differentiating and why. Is this pyramid supposed to correctly model everybody’s experience? If not, whose does it model and who is not included? Where’s the evidence of fit to the world? Does it fit for me and those I interact with? Also, is my mathematical and sciency tendency towards graphy models the best way to look at this stuff. It certainly isn't the only way and human social interactions can be described in prose and poetry and meditated over without words and form the powerful stuff of art and music and drama and fiction. The science white coat isn't the only thing to wear and I’m aware it is more embraced or more rejected by some as true.

I’m aware some people are more affected by some prejudices than others. Some seem to cause more harm at times than others and to different people. People have differing levels of knowledge and focus. I don’t want to pull energy from other fights for my struggles of personal interest. I am aware everyone has limited resources. I’m also aware my resources come partially from a history of oppression and unearned privilege and may be gained and used every day in ways that harm others.

I’ll admit right here that the word “privilege” passes my eyes and ears many days and doesn't engage with my brain. Partially that happens to any commonly used word: under/over definition as general semantics would say (a big part of how I interpret the world)

I reject single radix politics: that every problem comes down to one fundamental thing.

I read of that single root idea mainly from Marxism – that oppressions come from a more basic class struggle and capitalism is named. I find a certain brand of communist activist, while aligned with my thinking in some ways and when our aims intersect, really boring. I’m also highly critical of the idea that things not being right should be allowed or encouraged to build up to a sufficient head of steam to power a revolution. I and my world are not your cannon fodder. That said, I don’t think the economic and class status quo is OK, particularly for queers. Neither do I have a clear idea of how to fix that.

I’d like to know more about anarchist and feminist and Quaker and non-violence and other methods of building change so the ends and the means both do good and not harm.

So: the thing I was trying to get to when I started this: CLASS.

I hear class highlighted when we look through the lens of official protected characteristics and it isn't there. I hear it rejected with gusto both by people who reject socialism and people who want to keep an apolitical position and not take up term that favour the left.

I read older bi texts and there is an affinity with certain political parties. Then I read of accessibility and wanting a broad community and welcoming all. Then I read of important differences and oppressions being glossed over for the sake of unity or drama avoidance or the unacceptable being thrown under a bus for the rights of the already slightly more powerful. Then I read of history of homophobia from all parties and support from all and the struggle to rewrite and selectively highlight history to favour a favourite political position. Then I hear politics and think of pointless student posturing and then I think of politicians: Then I get angry and distracted or turned off an bored and I don’t want to so…

Back to CLASS.

I hear it strongly attached to race in US and international context.

I hear it from working class folks and people who work with them.

I know some of the places I've been and places I go are very class based. I probably get manipulated all of the time by advertisers trying to play on my class desires and fears.
I ask every now and then about reading on class and get few suggestions outside of Engels or blogs which are interesting but very US context based and also are blogs, not a collected and structured resource or marshalled teaching or argument like a good book. I also wonder if I’m making excuses not to engage.

I’m aware my own class background is a bit weird. I’m generally wary, and with good reason, of being labelled by others and so I’m also wary of asking others to tell me what class I am and what that means.

I've read Watching the English.

I want to read more and understand this more and talk about this more and understand my position in the landscape of class and what that means I do and have done to me and what I might want to change about all that.

What do I do now?

comment count unavailable comments
Bisexual and over 50 1: Harrie

Bisexual and over 50 1: Harrie

This is the first in a series of "email interviews" from bi people over 50. Yes, we are out there!

Each of these "interviews" is written by the individual concerned; the questions in bold come from me.

Happy reading!

I’m Harrie Farrow, a 54-year-old, androgynous woman. I am a novelist (“Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe”), a bisexual blogger, a bisexual activist, and am a Life Coach for Bisexuals at Navigating the Biways. I live in the US, in a small LGBT-friendly town, and have a grown son and a grandson. I’m currently single.


How did you come to think of yourself as bisexual (or whatever label/non-label you use)?

I read an article at age 14 in a “girly” magazine, that someone had left laying around, written by someone who was of the opinion that everyone is bisexual, and I just thought, yes, of course, and therefore knew that I was bisexual.


What does being bisexual (or as above) mean to you?

Being bisexual to me means being attracted to same and different gender(s).


Has this changed over the years, and if so how?

No, my identification, and understanding of bisexuality has not changed.


What do other people in your life know about your bisexuality and how do they react?

Being a bisexual blogger, activist and an author of a bisexual themed novel means that I’m about as out as a person can be. Reactions are of course varied. Often, I am not directly present when a person becomes aware of my bisexuality and so I do not see their reactions. I find that being very confident and comfortable in my sexual identity, and presenting my sexuality in a way that conveys that the only possible response from others is respect and acceptance, results in usually not having negative things said to me. Occasionally, people will make misinformed comments based on their lack of information.


When fighting biphobia, for example as @BisexualBatmanon Twitter, I actually seek out biphobia, and the person receiving my response usually knows nothing about me except for my tweet. In this role, I have had many hateful and harassing responses. Happily, I do also get people apologizing for their biphobia, or asking for more information to educate themselves. 


Looking back over your life so far, is there anything you wish you’d done differently?

From a young age, I’ve always quite consciously tried to live in a way that would result me being able to say I have no regrets. I can say that, though things did not always turn out as I would have liked, I did make the best decisions based on the realities of my life at the time.


What about your hopes or fears for the future (regarding bisexuality)?

I would like to see bisexuality become recognized and accepted as just another sexual orientation, and that we reach a time when all bisexuals are comfortable and confident with their sexual identity.


Any words of wisdom for younger bi people – or older ones?


Recognize that your sexuality is integral to who you are, and that accepting, embracing and being true to yourself is a necessary component of mental health and happiness. Do what you can to remove yourself from situations and people who cannot honor this, and find, and reach out to, the community that does. 




Would you like to help combat bi erasure and increase visibility of bisexuals over 50? There are plenty of us out there but far too many people don't know that. 

I am looking for more people to contribute their "email interviews" to this blog, as Harrie has done here. For more information about what to do, take a look at this post

Thanks.
Post BiCon Thoughts

Post BiCon Thoughts

A follow-up anonymous guest post from the writer who contributed the 'jerkbrain' post last week. We welcome one-off guest posts as well as regular contributors: see the join us page.…